Another Long Hiatus Concluded

Posted on November 13, 2014 by underwhelmer

It’s good to be back once again. Sorry for the long departure, dear interwebs, but I’ve had to contend with exploding laptops, the new job and a few other curve-balls from life. The good news is that, much like the absentee father, I’m here now and I’ll always be here for you. That is, until I run out of smokes or my new girlfriend starts bitching about me spending too much time with you. Then you’ll just have to stay at your mother’s place for a couple of weeks while I smooth things over. You’ll understand when you’re older.

So, back on track. I’ve really been up to a lot lately

Yup, things have been a virtual beehive of activity. You’ve probably even noticed the new art style. My company made a horrible mistake and issued us iPads and I’ve been drawing up a storm! Here’s the first thing that I drew.

Do you like it? Well, I’m lying. It isn’t the first thing that I drew. The first thing was some god-awful iPad monstrosity that looked like the fevered dream of a mentally disturbed child. I deleted it as soon as I was done because I was afraid Hastur, Cthulhu or some other Lovecraft horror would use it as a portal to our world. I’ll try to recreate it for you.

Isn’t technology great?

So a little update on what’s been going on for the past several months. I’m making great progress on the book and I expect to be done by the end of the year or early 2015 at the latest. The new job is going great. I’m basically a guide and adviser for electrophysiologists during live surgeries. The fact that I don’t have a medical degree isn’t slowing me down either because everybody keeps listening to me for some insane reason that I haven’t figured out yet.

A lot of my friends ask me if I’m under a lot of stress working in these conditions with people who are far more educated than I am. To this I respond,

All in all, I’m really excited to be back at the blog-o-sphere with you. Although I haven’t posted in months, I have been jotting down ideas and I’ve got some good material planned for you guys. Expect stories about my flight from hell, discovering my real life clone, my take on the news and even my time in College Park, Atlanta; holla! Stay tuned!

THE END

P.S. Let me know what you guys think of the new artwork. I should be able to make many more pictures with each post using this technique. If my calculations are correct, expect to see approximately one metric fuck-ton of pictures!

P.P.S. Just don’t be too harsh on the criticism. I’m a delicate flower.

The W.I.T.H / W.A.H. Phenomenon

Posted on December 8, 2013 by underwhelmer

Hi everybody! I’m not dead. At least, I don’t think so anyway. So far, I can still grab doorknobs and other objects without my hand phasing through them so that’s a good sign.

Speaking of grabbing things in the house, I got up yesterday and made a huuuuge breakfast. When it was all done, I did what I always do and just put all the pots, pans and dishes in the sink to “soak”.

I got up this morning and saw a dirty pile of greasy dishes in the sink and I realized that I suck at being an adult. I truly had no real expectations to do these dishes at all this weekend. Instead, I hold onto the belief that, one day, I’m just going to morph into a person who actually wants to be responsible. After some horribly accurate introspection, I discovered the ugly truth is that I have a very strong desire to be hugely irresponsible and do as little as possible all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I still put my pants on and go to work everyday.

Well, most days anyway.

I handle the big stuff like paying bills and whatnot, but I find it’s the little things that I slack on. I find that I lie to and convince myself that what I’m doing is responsible or frugal or (insert positive adjective here) and not just a by-product of outright laziness.

I think it all comes down to this disconnect that I have with what I think will happen vs. what actually happens.

I’ve dubbed this the W.I.T.H (What I Think will Happen) vs. W.A.H. (What Actually Happens) phenomenon. Enjoy.

I’ll do the dishes after they soak so I don’t have to scrub so hard.

Here’s what I think will happen.

Here’s what actually happens.

Those damn things sit there for about a week and a kraken hatches.

I’ll wash the car after it rains so I’ll have less pollen or whatever to rinse off.

I think nature will go out of its way and help me clean my car.

Sadly, it doesn’t rain for months and my car is covered in all manner of shit.

I’ll set my alarm thirty minutes early so I can have the time to enjoy a nice breakfast and put myself into a ridiculously cheery mood, complete with singing.

Here’s what happens instead… I hit snooze until the last minute and have a spoonful of peanut butter and some vitamins like an anorexic model. I’m so tired that I can’t even be angry. I just look back at my life in a moment of quiet, painful reflection.

I convince myself that I’ll take out the trash & recycling once all cans are full so I’m more efficient with my time and energy.

Here’s what really happens; the wine and liquor bottles fill the glass bin exponentially faster than all other types of recycling and my neighbors get to see how much of an irresponsible drunk I actually am.

I think I’ll update my blog every Sunday so my thousands of subscribers will continue to like me.

But, here’s what I do… I finish every Sunday the exact same way they start; with a bottle of whiskey and no pants.

THE END.

P.S. Sometimes a little bit of writing gets done on Sundays.

P.P.S. Usually not a lot, unfortunately. I still want us to be friends though. Here, I made a smiley face for you… 🙂

Iggy and the Bag.

Posted on April 7, 2013 by underwhelmer

109

So there was this one thing I wanted to tell you about my new-ish cat, Iggy. We got Iggy as a rescue cat from a local shelter a few months ago. His name was Lewie, but we decided that name was not very exciting and changed it to Iggy after a funny story I heard about a comedian and his misadventures with a bunch of Russian mobsters. One mobster was named Igor.

I found out very quickly that Iggy is an astonishingly stupid cat. Not the kind of, “oh, that animal isn’t smart” variety of stupid. This was a level of stupidity that I had not seen in an animal before.

For example, let’s take the simple act of training the cat to stay off the sofa…

And so on it went. Iggy kept finding new ways to impress me with his stupidity.

or, one of my personal favorites…

One day, I came home with some groceries. I set the bags on the floor and I started putting the cold items in the fridge. Iggy was fascinated by this development and started hovering near me.

I finished putting the milk in the fridge and I turned around to see this staring up at me from the floor.

I thought it was really cute that Iggy had nestled himself into the bag. I picked up the cat-bag combo to show Wife, who was seated on the couch.

This act was a HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE.

Picking Iggy up while in the bag did several things simultaneously.

It proved to Iggy that the bag possessed the magical power of levitation.
It showed Iggy that the bag was a force of unseen power and was probably linked to many unsolved mysteries of the universe.
Since he couldn’t move easily while being lifted in the bag, there was also a good chance that the bag was immobilizing him as a precursory part of its feeding process.

All of these things made Iggy very unhappy, very quickly. It became clear that to me that Iggy did not want to be in the bag so I gently placed him on the ground. Iggy immediately sprinted away from the bag. There was one small catch though; one of the bag loops became wrapped around his little kitty waist. No matter how fast Iggy ran, the bag pursued him just as hard. As you can imagine, this produced one single emotional reaction in Iggy: sheer, undiluted terror.

Iggy was running so fast throughout the house that I had no hope of catching him. All I could do was watch in horror as my cat sprinted through the house at a speed only pure adrenaline could provide.

This went on for a solid minute or two until Iggy decided that fleeing wasn’t working so he tried to hide. Iggy threw himself under the couch in a last ditch effort to escape.

I eventually had to move the couch and unhook the bag from my poor, tired and scared-to-death little cat. Iggy then ran off to hide and recover from his ordeal. I went back to unloading the remainder of the groceries.

I put the eggs in the fridge and reached down to put away the carrots when my hand touched something warm and furry in the bag.

Stupid cat.

THE END.

P.S. Iggy was completely unharmed in this incident so don’t call PETA you wackos.

P.P.S. Iggy has since ruined my carpet, destroyed my TV and nearly killed himself trying to remove his collar. What this cat lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in sheer resilience & luck; I have to give him that.

What School of Magic do You Prefer?

Posted on August 19, 2012 by underwhelmer

In keeping with our theme of wizards here at Live Nerd Repeat, I’ve decided to come up with a handy little tool to figure out what school of magic suits you… you know, in case you develop magic powers. Hey, you never know. Anyway, here it is so read on young wizard.

*click to enlarge.

THE END.

P.S. I really need to stop playing Skyrim… It’s really starting to permeate all facets of my life.

P.P.S. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the store and restock on alchemy reagents; getting low on garlic and vampire dust.

The Meaning of Thanksgiving

Posted on November 23, 2011 by underwhelmer

I normally don’t post in the middle of the week, but With Turkey Day right around the corner, I decided to come up with a short post that really captures the spirit of how this great holiday got started.

…and the rest is history.

Now, I think we should all list something that we’re thankful for.

I’ll go first.

I’m thankful that our murderous ancestors brought their campaign of irrational hatred to a peace-loving people so that I can eat myself into a diabetic coma every year. I’m sure they would be proud of me.