The W.I.T.H / W.A.H. Phenomenon

Hi everybody! I’m not dead. At least, I don’t think so anyway. So far, I can still grab doorknobs and other objects without my hand phasing through them so that’s a good sign.

Speaking of grabbing things in the house, I got up yesterday and made a huuuuge breakfast. When it was all done, I did what I always do and just put all the pots, pans and dishes in the sink to “soak”.

I got up this morning and saw a dirty pile of greasy dishes in the sink and I realized that I suck at being an adult. I truly had no real expectations to do these dishes at all this weekend. Instead, I hold onto the belief that, one day, I’m just going to morph into a person who actually wants to be responsible. After some horribly accurate introspection, I discovered the ugly truth is that I have a very strong desire to be hugely irresponsible and do as little as possible all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I still put my pants on and go to work everyday.

Good Day at Work

Well, most days anyway.

I handle the big stuff like paying bills and whatnot, but I find it’s the little things that I slack on. I find that I lie to and convince myself that what I’m doing is responsible or frugal or (insert positive adjective here) and not just a by-product of outright laziness.

I think it all comes down to this disconnect that I have with what I think will happen vs. what actually happens.

I’ve dubbed this the W.I.T.H (What I Think will Happen) vs. W.A.H. (What Actually Happens) phenomenon.  Enjoy.

I’ll do the dishes after they soak so I don’t have to scrub so hard.

Here’s what I think will happen.

Pristine Dishes

Here’s what actually happens.

Those damn things sit there for about a week and a kraken hatches.

Kitchen Kraken

I’ll wash the car after it rains so I’ll have less pollen or whatever to rinse off.

I think nature will go out of its way and help me clean my car.

The Car

Sadly, it doesn’t rain for months and my car is covered in all manner of shit.

Not Washing

I’ll set my alarm thirty minutes early so I can have the time to enjoy a nice breakfast and put myself into a ridiculously cheery mood, complete with singing.

Early Rise

Here’s what happens instead…  I hit snooze until the last minute and have a spoonful of peanut butter and some vitamins like an anorexic model.  I’m so tired that I can’t even be angry.  I just look back at my life in a moment of quiet, painful reflection.

PB

I convince myself that I’ll take out the trash & recycling once all cans are full so I’m more efficient with my time and energy.

RECYCLING!

Here’s what really happens; the wine and liquor bottles fill the glass bin exponentially faster than all other types of recycling and my neighbors get to see how much of an irresponsible drunk I actually am.

Takin out da booze

I think I’ll update my blog every Sunday so my thousands of subscribers will continue to like me.

Being Responsible

But, here’s what I do… I finish every Sunday the exact same way they start; with a bottle of whiskey and no pants.

Similar

THE END.

P.S. Sometimes a little bit of writing gets done on Sundays.

P.P.S. Usually not a lot, unfortunately. I still want us to be friends though. Here, I made a smiley face for you… 🙂

40 thoughts on “The W.I.T.H / W.A.H. Phenomenon

  1. Have got round the car problem…… hubby has one and when he washes his, he does mine too. He hates washing up the dishes, so it’s a fair compromise! At least I’m not out in the cold. Love your posts.

  2. So YOU are the reason my liquor store is always out of whiskey on Sundays….

    I’m blaming you for all my writing done under the influence of copious amounts of wine. It could have been whiskey. Whiskey is my home recipe for creativity.

  3. I still have to come up with this big theory about “How People Used To Get Things Done In The Middle Ages” – they built huge churches and stuff, right? I bet they never had dishes sitting in the sink. But for the life of me, I can’t understand how they did it. We need more archeologists (but eh, whatevvv….).

  4. Love it. I try so damn hard to be responsible and clean, but I feel like it wears the living daylights out of me. After spending HOURS cleaning, what do I get? A nap. That’s about it because I don’t want to do anything else. I feel like I’m in some horrible cleaning loop. How the hell do all these other people have so much time to go out and have hobbies? I kind of want to ask them how clean their house is. Think they have dishes in the sink too?

  5. You are better than me. My last post dates from March, I think. And it’s not nearly as funny as yours. Or as colourful. But at least my rubbish bin is empty. Has to be, what with the little pooper around. I’ll leave you with this thought.

  6. I recommend the PJ O’Rourke approach to dishes – when the sink is full, pour in a dozen packs of jelly and top with two pan handles. When the jelly sets, simply lift the pan handles, remove dishes to the bin and start again.

    Thanks for a very entertaining post.

  7. I find myself looking around, trying to remember when I typed this. Funny, it’s not my name, my blog but. It’s. So. ME! Are we twins? Is this a mirror? Whoa, I can see up my nose. Or….wait….dude, you have some, er………….go check 🙂

  8. “I’ve dubbed this the W.I.T.H (What I Think will Happen) vs. W.A.H. (What Actually Happens) phenomenon.”

    You have stumbled across one of the many secrets of the universe that litter our path. I trip on that one too – every day.

  9. I am sad I discovered this blog right before I promised my daughter we would watch a movie 😦 Great content, I laughed out loud several times. Your drawing are great!! In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger (complete with accent) “I’ll be back!”

  10. Nick, what’s good Sir!! Everything here is getting better. I still haven’t found a damn job yet. I was unaware that you even had a Blog. I also have one myself. Here’s the link: http://jaredjgober.com/. Your Blog is Hilarious. Mikey (Sampsell) told me about it. I had no idea where you disappeared to. It’s a no brainer to follow this hilarious Blog. You and Mikey combined would be epic, but due to him going to school he can’t devote the time to make one. It’s awesome that I finally found you. Mikey also gave me your number, I’ll be sure to send you an email sometime today. I miss you Sir (NO HOMO). In my opinion when you came to the Troop and you and Mikey teamed up, Best Platoon Leadership I had ever seen during my tenure in the military, until YOU and MIKEY killed my RAVEN! Speaking of Raven, do you know where I can get one on the low low? Just kidding. I’ll continue to support you.

    I have a problem trying to get followers to my Blog, I only have 41. I thought that was awesome, until I saw that you had 9,000. 😦 If you have any pointers for me please fill me in. I’ll shoot you a text later Sir. Love Ya! (NO HOMO, AGAIN). You and Mikey are my brothers. If you have a little time, check out my Blog, it’s no where near the awesomeness you put together. Okay, I have babbled enough. I’ll hit you up later playa!

    Jared J. Gober

  11. Pingback: The W.I.T.H / W.A.H. Phenomenon | Girls life

  12. Too funny. I got a really big kitchen sink “to make it easier to wash larger pots and pans.” In fact, what really happens is that I can fit all of my larger pots and pans in there at one time, and leave them for days on end, until I need one of them, and then I’m screwed.

  13. Well I certainly chose the right blog to visit first! So humorous, and so truthful (I actually thought for a second you were writing about my life), especially love the cartoons. You sir have just earned yourself a new follower 🙂

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