So there was this one thing I wanted to tell you about my new-ish cat, Iggy. We got Iggy as a rescue cat from a local shelter a few months ago. His name was Lewie, but we decided that name was not very exciting and changed it to Iggy after a funny story I heard about a comedian and his misadventures with a bunch of Russian mobsters. One mobster was named Igor.
I found out very quickly that Iggy is an astonishingly stupid cat. Not the kind of, “oh, that animal isn’t smart” variety of stupid. This was a level of stupidity that I had not seen in an animal before.
For example, let’s take the simple act of training the cat to stay off the sofa…
And so on it went. Iggy kept finding new ways to impress me with his stupidity.
or, one of my personal favorites…
One day, I came home with some groceries. I set the bags on the floor and I started putting the cold items in the fridge. Iggy was fascinated by this development and started hovering near me.
I finished putting the milk in the fridge and I turned around to see this staring up at me from the floor.
I thought it was really cute that Iggy had nestled himself into the bag. I picked up the cat-bag combo to show Wife, who was seated on the couch.
This act was a HUGE FUCKING MISTAKE.
Picking Iggy up while in the bag did several things simultaneously.
- It proved to Iggy that the bag possessed the magical power of levitation.
- It showed Iggy that the bag was a force of unseen power and was probably linked to many unsolved mysteries of the universe.
- Since he couldn’t move easily while being lifted in the bag, there was also a good chance that the bag was immobilizing him as a precursory part of its feeding process.
All of these things made Iggy very unhappy, very quickly. It became clear that to me that Iggy did not want to be in the bag so I gently placed him on the ground. Iggy immediately sprinted away from the bag. There was one small catch though; one of the bag loops became wrapped around his little kitty waist. No matter how fast Iggy ran, the bag pursued him just as hard. As you can imagine, this produced one single emotional reaction in Iggy: sheer, undiluted terror.
Iggy was running so fast throughout the house that I had no hope of catching him. All I could do was watch in horror as my cat sprinted through the house at a speed only pure adrenaline could provide.
This went on for a solid minute or two until Iggy decided that fleeing wasn’t working so he tried to hide. Iggy threw himself under the couch in a last ditch effort to escape.
I eventually had to move the couch and unhook the bag from my poor, tired and scared-to-death little cat. Iggy then ran off to hide and recover from his ordeal. I went back to unloading the remainder of the groceries.
I put the eggs in the fridge and reached down to put away the carrots when my hand touched something warm and furry in the bag.
P.S. Iggy was completely unharmed in this incident so don’t call PETA you wackos.
P.P.S. Iggy has since ruined my carpet, destroyed my TV and nearly killed himself trying to remove his collar. What this cat lacks in intelligence, he makes up for in sheer resilience & luck; I have to give him that.