What to Do if You’re the First Human to Make Contact with Aliens

Step 1: Don’t Panic.

Douglas Adams listed this first for a reason.  This is perhaps the most important step and it will certainly set the tone for the rest of your close encounter. The last thing you want to do is represent the entire human race by being a scared-to-death little idiot.

It is vitally important that you do not contort your face in terror and/or flee from the aliens no matter how horrifying they may be. They could be very sensitive about their nightmarish, be-tentacled appearance and consider your actions a grave insult or an act of war. They might also think that humanity is a bunch of wimps that are fit for nothing but extermination. You don’t want the results of that on your conscience…

… so grab whatever iota of composure you have and get ready to be Earth’s shining ambassador to the stars.

Step 2: Take stock of the situation.

You need to ask yourself some important questions. Where are we? What am I doing right now? How does this look to the aliens? Have I been probed yet? Why not? Is it because I’m ugly? Looking at all the written works on alien encounters, you’re most likely to make extraterrestrial contact when you’re alone in the middle of a cornfield at night. The aliens have likely chosen this location because of its seclusion. The same could be said for you, but we won’t go into what you’re doing in the middle of a cornfield at 3 a.m. you sad, lonely person.

The aliens are trying one of two things. They’re either cautiously examining Earth from a neutral/benevolent standpoint or they’re infiltrating it for future conquest. So put that sheep down (you’ve done enough to it already) and try to determine what type of alien you have in front of you. The appearance of the alien will tell you a lot about its motives.

If it looks like a little dude in a jumpsuit with a big head, then you’re probably OK.

If it looks like H. R. Giger came up with it, you have a few seconds to live. Make them count.

So… right now we’ll assume that some alien isn’t ramming its ovipositor down your throat and laying its eggs in your chest. This takes us to our next step.

Step 3: Communicate.

In the historical documentary, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Mr. Spielberg shows us that aliens can solve inter-species communication issues with music. The scientists were able to “talk” to the aliens with an elaborate musical device that sounded similar to a rooster having sex with a frog in front of a megaphone. You can use music too. Now remember, you’re representing the entire human race so don’t skimp out on the quality. The aliens won’t really be impressed by your harmonica or your ability to belch the alphabet.

Instead pull out that iPhone and wow your guests with an enduring ballad of the ages. Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing is an acceptable song. If you do not have it, play Night Ranger’s Sister Christian instead. If you do not have either of these songs, contact me so I can send you alien appropriate music. Remember that radio waves can take quite a while to travel the cosmos, so it’s likely that our space friends are well into the power ballads of the 80s and have no idea who this Rihanna person is.

It won’t be long before you and your interstellar guests become fast friends.

Step 4: Take Us to Your Leader.

Your friends will inevitably ask to see “your leader.” There are two ways to go about this. You could take the aliens to UN headquarters so they can watch all of our leaders bicker and argue over whether or not the aliens in front of them actually exist. This display will most likely lead to the extermination of the entire human race. Option two is to tell your alien friends, “I’m in charge. What do you guys want to talk about?”

If you play your cards right, you could be made Earth’s ambassador to their home planet and perhaps the entire Galactic Council.

If you screw this up though, you’ll anger a lot of aliens.  This will only open yourself up to lots and lots of probing.

In closing, I just wanted to say, “Good luck, we’re all counting on you.”

THE END.

P.S. I’m a big Supernatural fan. I had to work that probing clip in somehow.

P.P.S. Probing is still not a laughing matter.

700 thoughts on “What to Do if You’re the First Human to Make Contact with Aliens

  1. This is so funny! But also a little eerie. How did you know what I do late at night in the corn fields?

    I love the idea of wondering why they’re not probing you. Not good enough for probing, am I?

  2. So funny! The last clip was well worth waiting for…and man, those were some tall shots Mr. Probeworthy was having. He did represent Earth well as a slow dancing ambassador though. I wouldn’t have been such a good sport….Taller shots please!

  3. “a rooster having sex with a frog in front of a megaphone” is just good old fashion sound description… would you recommend going for a fist-bump on the first encounter or is that playing it too cool?

  4. Don’t Panic is a good first rule in most situations both domestic and abroad. Gotta love a good guide reference. Also I disagree, probing is always a laughing matter – unless you are being probed, or you’re watching FIre in the Sky…

  5. So much to love about this post — going to have to go with the Journey recommendation as my favorite — or maybe the stumpy feet — or maybe the “eyes are the window to the soul”

    Great stuff — I’ll be back!

  6. All I know is that if I was in orbit around some extraterrestrial species’ planet, I’d do some research on the species before I tried to interact with them. I hope that aliens would do the same in an analogous situation.

    Also, if you end up in a rural alien abduction type situation, pray that it isn’t their president or emperor doing the probing.

  7. NOW YOU TELL ME! Thanks for the great advice, but last month when my husband met one of those types he did all the wrong things, and we haven’t seen him since. But there are weird beeping sounds coming from the garage door opener which are undiagnosable! Can you help?

    Ronnie

    • I’m sorry I didn’t see this sooner. You need to learn Morse Code as soon as possible. Listen to the beeps. It’s most likely your husband trying to tell you to pick him up because he’s stuck at a star port near the Horse Head Nebula and he’s out of space bucks.

  8. true, a planet war can be dangerous..i will keep that in mind.

    sincerely,
    a sad lonely person in the cornfield/ yr future-representative-of-mankind

    • Do your best to avoid intergalactic war if you can. I’d get out of the cornfield if you can. In the wide spectrum of things that happen in cornfields, alien abduction is on the positive side.

  9. This is such a laugh! I wish it had been available when I was in my teens and obsessed with aliens. How about encounters with the Other Side? Here is a genuine one of mine – a bit of a challenge, let me tell you, to the rational sceptic I still consider myself to be despite this scary experience…..
    http://dazzlingdarkness.wordpress.com/2010/05/07/from-the-beyond-mediumship-v/
    Good luck with the handbook which is a MUST as a follow-on from this post.

    • Thanks. It’s what I do. You’ve got a good blog there. My mom grew up in Dubai and I’ve spent some time in that area of the world (unfortunately not as a traveler) and I think the western half of the world could do with a lot more education on the subject. Thanks again. 😛

  10. This is weird, but strangely impressive. You have now confirmed my belief in life on other planets, especially green marshians with black eyes and an odd liking in AC/DC.
    Thumbs up.

  11. “i’ve been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.” – bill hicks. he’s got quite a lot of material on this topic. perfectly hysterical. thanks.

  12. Great stuff but don’t count on me for the correct music. I tend to have Tom Waits and things like Who’se on first on my player. Love the posting and will try my best to obey all the other rules.

  13. Funny post … One other suggestion for close encounters is to avoid them while walking the dog. The whole carrying-the-poop-in-a-bag thing renders confusion as to which species is in charge (an old Seinfeld routine).

  14. Hold the probing, please. He can have mine 🙂
    I was thinking Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon…
    Do you think they understand Ditz, ’cause I went blond and…. I’d hate to misrepresent us on account of that.
    Of course, I could always misrepresent us for some Other reason…

    Loved your post. I can always use a good chuckle.

    • I imagine they would be Pink Floyd supporters. Some of it sounds like space music anyway. I just gave myself an idea… DAVID BOWIE’S SPACE ODDITY!!! Why didn’t I think of this earlier?

      Glad you liked it. 😛

  15. Absolutely loving it. Nice blog post to start off my evening blog-reading. Congrats on Freshly Pressed – I was about to check your blog out anyway after that 7×7 award thing on Reasonably Ludicrous, but it saved me from having to, you know, click links. Which is effort. Anyway….
    Could you maybe do a post on what to do if you’re the first alien to come in contact with humans?

    • Glad you liked it. I’ve been to a lot of the eastern European countries, but I haven’t had the pleasure of setting foot in Lithuania yet. I hope to remedy this soon. Thanks for stopping by. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble staying warm AND looking very fashionable this winter. 🙂

  16. vai toma no cu bando de filhos da puta do caralho…

    What I meant to say was, “I have a potty mouth and I think the underwhelmer isn’t smart enough to recognize Portuguese.

  17. Next episode should be that you are the one they have homed in because of your erudite writing and taken in for questioning.
    Let us hear how you ask for a fag to cool down yourself?
    Don’t go for wine first.
    This one is good and next one should be better and tell us how the toilets are?
    Will you?
    It is difficult to vee vee in space and I am told even in heaven too.

  18. Super funny! And informative! Love the reference to Close Encounters as an “historical documentary”. Quite the little fresh pressed club you guys have going. Congratulations! You deserve it!

    • We’re actually the WordPress founders. We get bored occasionally and Freshly Press each other to break up the monotony… just kidding. 😛

      I’m really glad you like my crazy ramblings and thanks for stopping by!

  19. Hi – great post, and nothing underwhelming about it despite your monicker – but I am afraid you have your facts mixed up. It would be an error to play music to them, because music might just kill them. Has Mars Attacks not taught you anything? Oh, and make sure you use hand sanitizer before you shake their, um, tentacles, because, as HG Wells told us long ago, the common cold germ kills them too.
    Though wait – in both those cases, the aliens were hostile and out to get us…so I take it back…its all good. You are a sneaky devious evil genius! Teach me, master.

    • LOL. I’m going to pretend that I considered all of those points when I wrote it and that I am a genius! In all reality, you might be the one who needs to teach me! Thanks for the praise. 🙂

  20. But the sheep want it… Or why would they be in the field at the same time as me? Great post. I think an alien approved playlist is in order though. Can I get away with a bit of Marillion? Original singer of course.

    • I hope the aliens don’t subscribe to your logic. That could end badly for all of us in the “don’t probe me” camp. Glad you liked the post, and yes, Marillion is acceptable. 🙂

  21. This is awesome. Now I know what to do if I make contact with aliens, whew. Also, I’ll be sending this to my brother, who will most likely think it’s doubly awesome, and I figure I should warn him about the best course of action in case of alien encounters. Congrats on being freshly pressed – they definitely made a great choice with your post!

    • Thanks. You know, for the longest time I though that the WordPress people were channeling the spirits of dead crazy people when they chose FP. Now I know that one of those dead crazy people must have liked me at some point! Thanks for dropping by. 🙂

  22. LMFAO…incredibly nerdly funny…
    I am more prepared now to meet my maker (or an alien, if Douglas Adams is to be believed)
    So, forewarned is forearmed (or four-armed, if its a monster-alien).

  23. A very good attempt at exo-politics. I already saw one and I never want to see another one again. I would be running as fast as I can if I saw one land. People think they are friendly. If you travelled 20 years from some where else, would you be satisfied with pictures of the planet you visited? I don’t think so. You would be taking a sample ( person) to take home with you. How can I explain the awesome humor of your post and the sheer terror of the reality of it happened? We are not ready bottom line. We would probably start a nuclear war with them.

  24. Pingback: Hilarious! « hollandpintarch

  25. ROFL!
    “a rooster having sex with a frog in front of a megaphone” . . . I just can’t get over all of it.
    Very nice work!

  26. Pingback: AC/DC und die Aliens « Christophs Blog

  27. Whew, I always wondered what I had to do if I was visited by an alien! True, the aliens do appear down in Brazil a lot. Must be the carnival with all their lights…. Anyways, would the Beastie Boys “InterGalactic” song be too much for them? We actually do have an alien Ambassador. Her name is Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist. She’s our “leader”. Great post!

  28. Realistically, I think the best thing to do if you make contact with an alien civilization is to tell them to keep well clear of this place, since we’re all nuts down here.

  29. Quick! I need some alien appropriate music!!!

    This made my day! I love it! I just bought Close Encounters of the Third Kind not long ago. Now I will have to watch it again.

    Thank you for the smiles and laughs.

  30. Your post certainly made my day! Thank you so much for that wonderful piece of humor. I was chuckling the whole time I was reading it… Sigh! If only I got to read more of this kind of piece everyday, I won’t be worrying much if I am to miss Spongebob Squarepants…

    • Aliens would most likely hear our radio broadcasts before they ever encountered Earth. Historically, the bulk of Earth’s radio broadcasts over the past 70 years have come from modernized, western countries… that’s a lot of rock & roll. When viewed from this perspective, there’s a small probability that aliens would enjoy rocking the f*ck out, devil horns and all. 🙂

  31. Hahahaha! Now with your helpful, significant advice, I am 101% ready for my alien encounter! I couldn’t be more prepared! Haha!

  32. Pingback: What to Do if You’re the First Human to Make Contact with Aliens | slopestreetcats.com

  33. Hilarious! I once found a birthday card for my brother (who is terrified of aliens mind you) that showed a man in bed and two aliens discussing whether or not they should abduct him. Needless to say they decided not to take the old fart, my brother was relieved, and your post gave me good advice to pass on to the sissy!

  34. Wonderful post !! I agree, it would hurt my self-esteem quite a bit if I wasn’t probed but then again, I wasn’t probed 😉
    Guess I’m alien-ready and all set to be Human Ambassador now, thanks to you! 🙂
    Cheers! 🙂

  35. better to keep a print of this in one’s pocket, you know, just in case. one doesn’t want to overlook any of the details of these comprehensive engagement procedures if suddenly accosted by them aliens in the paddy fields (out here, there’s hardly any corn fields).

  36. I’ll be sure to follow your advice next time I bump into some extraterrestrial beings.
    Last time I just sat down with them to a game of scrabble, and we kept arguing about the spelling… 😉

    • I’m glad you liked it. Probing creates a complex series of emotional reactions. Most aliens feel obligated to probe because they don’t want to promote “probe envy” among the abducted.

  37. Extraterrestrial evidence or Atlantis evidence

    Almost all the images you see in this video have a size of 0.5 millimeter to 1 millimeter

    More info:

    In this video you can see the two metal objects at actual size:

    What is your opinion?
    Thanks for your time, pareidolia.effect.

    • Hmm, very interesting. The human brain is geared to make connections between things, particularly the human face. We would go insane and/or die out if not for this near-automatic process. Carl Sagan was a huge proponent of this theory. Now, whether or not those individual connections are founded in fact is the question that leaves scientists and philosophers pounding their heads on the collective chalkboard. Meanwhile, all of the mundanes (the rest of us) just try to sort it out as best we can to get through the day.

      Thanks for contributing. You got my brain juices going. 🙂

    • Thank you. I originally started the drawings to be funny because they were so poorly drawn, but I’m surprised at how many people really like them and think that they’re “good.”

  38. Lol. My first time to read a blog and an article, and my first aticle read is very worthwhile though its impossible there’s an alien out there. If there has, it would be more primitive than us. Hard to explain because….I want to see an alien too. Talk with him. Compare each one’s races. And,for others who were gaga over aliens, I suggest reading K.A. Applegate’s Animorphs. It’s cool, and it seem contrary to what is posted here, for the leader of the direct invasion is, as the characters say, that he’s almost cute and harmless,except for his tail…and when he morphs. Just read it. It’s cool.

  39. Cute! Everyone assumes shaking hands is a universal, or even that aliens would want to shake hands, as opposed to some other body part … or form of alien body part. As always, carrying a bottle of hand sanitizer to such encounters may be wise.

    • You’re right. The H.R. Giger alien has a very special hug that involves an ovipositor, eggs and an unwilling host. The hand sanitizer is always a good idea. Hand sanitizer and a towel. 🙂

  40. You made my lunchtime all *chortley*, thank you:)

    One minor point – does the Carpenters ‘Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft’ not get a look-in for the song choice? Karen Carpenter had a very soothing quality and we all want our aliens to be relaxed don’t we?

    Lesley

    • Lunchtime can always use a few more chortles. I don’t see a reason why the aliens wouldn’t want to relax. I just wished that I had remembered to include David Bowie’s Space Oddity in the recommended play list. 🙂

  41. Yes … it was so funny I am still laughing .. good description of what must be done when the times comes … specially about the music inter-galactic language ….

  42. Congratulations on being fresly pressed.

    Your post is funny and very informative. It also made me realize that I need to be prepared and prepare other people as well.

  43. Pingback: Freak Tagging. And the Flat Iron. Also, Aliens. « shamelessflaunting

  44. The idea of playing Don’t Stop Believing to little green men is hilarious!!! Just watched the last episode of Stephen Spielberg’s “Taken” and this post definitely cheered me up in my post-alien withdrawal.

    • Thanks. My high school guidance counselor once said, “Son, you’re either going to do something really good for everybody or blow up the world.”

      I’m glad I’m trying to do option 1, but the two aren’t mutually exclusive. 😉

      I’m glad you dropped by.

    • I’m not sure, I’ve never been. I’ve definitely got to cross it off the bucket list though. Oh, and of course perform my obligatory nerd pilgrimage to the filming site of Lord of the Rings.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  45. make free money!
    http://www.cashcrate.com/2424785

    What I meant to say was, “I have absolutely no shame and I would sell my own mother if it would benefit me. Furthermore, I think that everyone looking at this is too stupid to understand the basic principles of economics and that they should believe in the magical existence of free money. For the love of God, click my link.”

  46. Funny and cute! I will just hope the aliens will be like the colourful furry men in ‘Earth Girls are Easy’ haha, once they’re groomed they’re all hunk 😉 Congrats on being freshly pressed, FRESH!

    • Thank you. I always forget to use fab in its adjective form. I go through phases with words I like. For a while, I was referring to everybody as “cats” in an attempt to bring it back. Fab is now my flavor of the week. Thanks again. 😛

  47. did you make a mystery science theater 3000 reference?! this was a great post, had me laughing and entertained through the read. 🙂 i’ll make sure to subscribe so i don’t miss any more witty posts i was unaware existed.

    “…but i’m not an alien.”

  48. Humourous. Good. OK.
    But has anyone noticed how “light” and “silly” gets Freshly Pressed? Never anything of significant gravitas. It’s condescending and patronizing. gzzok!

    • Aw, don’t be a grumpy bear. 😉 Sometimes people need to be light and silly just so they can make it through the day. I know I fall into that category more often than not. It’s just too exhausting for me to pretend to be serious all the time.

      Try to stay warm up there! Cheers!

  49. With all the attention zombies and vampires have been getting in recent years we’ve really been neglecting our proper training for alien related incidents. Thanks for the refresher!

    This is one of the funniest posts I’ve read on Freshly Pressed in quite some time.

  50. You had me LOLing! But question, would the final countdown be a good idea? Seeing as the aliens may take offense. I’ll explain, while traveling they may have stumbled on a rouge radio wave of Independence Day and may make them feel wary, i.e. the countdown sequence when the mother ship was blown up. They may feel more compelled to visit venus on the other hand, or ask us about venus in detail.

    • Normally, I take comments like this (shameless plugs/ spam) and then, using the edit function, paraphrase it into something that’s witty and slightly insulting.

      You’re lucky today because I won’t do this with you. I like poetry and I think the world could do with more of it. Keep up the good work and be sure to at least leave something other than just a link back to your blog in the future. 😉

  51. Pingback: What to Do if You’re the First Human to Make Contact with Aliens « SEAN "LA PRAWN" SPOTLIGHT

    • Thanks Pete. I’ll have to steal “ThunderLOLZ” for future use!

      Glad you stopped by. 🙂

      P.S. From one boxer to another; It’s not just the 1-2 you have to worry about. Those right hooks can be fast, especially toward the end of the round, when everybody tends to block a bit sluggishly. Blood like that can end the fight before you’re ready. What do I know though? My boxing career was far less than sterling. Cheers!

  52. “Earths oil reserves are not on the table, I say… No, we will not send you our most fertile beautiful women for your hybrid super soldiers… My fellow earthlings would not be interested in discount bovine organs. Good day, sir….
    “I SAY GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR!!!”

  53. This is a great post and in keeping with someting my nephew just told my Mom. He went through an hour disseration on zombies, how to deal with them and the most important things anyone needs when “the end” comes. Dang smart kid for 12! Being prepared for anything is the most important thing fr everyone…nothing is impossible. Congrason FP!!! I am still waiting for my day. I can understand about dealing with extra traffic, especially comments! Enjoy :o)

    • You’re nephew could be the future leader of the resistance! Please continue to feed his imagination. The fate of Earth could hang in the balance. Thanks for the kind words, but you know, the extra traffic is a good problem to have. I’m glad you stopped by and I hope you enjoy your stay. 😉

    • No need to reply? Are you kidding? I heard “genius” and I came running! Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr. Ellis. 😉

      It was pretty shocking to find out that I was FP on Friday. I’m glad you liked it. 🙂

  54. I think once word of this blog gets to the US government, they may take it down. You know how they are about aliens. Great post, btw. I am now ready if I do encounter any extraterrestrials.

  55. This is just AWSOME!!! I love it so much, and I laugh for a While, I just can’t imagine someone meeting aliens from outer space and acting as if they were talking and chating as in an international negotiation between to different countries, jejejeje is amaizing I will promote ir between my friends, because is worth reading. Congrats!! For this excelente work.

    I will come back later to read some more!

      • I really enjoy reading it, and I’ll spred the word, because you already reach México!! Jejejeje.

        Still, I agree with you, I also share your point of view, that when aliens get in touch with humans it must need to be a kind of negotiation of “what we know-what they know and what they do-what we can do”, kind of interesting.
        I will take note what not do like run and shout for my life “Saaaave meee”!!!!! jejejeje.

  56. Cracking up @ “we won’t go into what you’re doing in the middle of a cornfield at 3 a.m. you sad, lonely person.” It always amazes me the kind of people you find in such a predicament who approach the media with “proof” of their encounters but they always fail to mention why exactly they’re there in the first place. It makes me wonder: is that person just an alien disguised as a human trying to distract us from their true location on earth? The mystery continues!

    • Thanks. 🙂 I love how it always seems to be the craziest person to be abducted. They never pick up scientists or respected world leaders. It’s always some unhinged yokel. Oh well, what can you do? 😉

  57. Haha! This is really funny! And the drawings only enhanced the humour of it all! Way to go for being the first person to write a very informative yet humourous guide for the rest of the human race, cause you’ll never know when THEIR coming…

    – for the nerds. We just know too much.-

  58. Very original and entertaining! Way to go! Did you do the cartoons? They are so genuinely bad and also original they add to the humor. I had to read it twice……

  59. Killer piece! Love the humour and the cartooning. All excellent advice and completely sensible – and loads of points from my side for starting in the perfect fashion by quoting the greatest book ever written!
    Cheers!

    • Aw, you’re too kind. I make this stuff funny on purpose, but the practical side of me enforces some strange tendency to make even my silliest stuff appear somewhat useful. No mutter how much I try to stifle it, I’m still a right-brain thinker.

      It’s good to see another Adams fan. Thanks for dropping in. 😛

  60. Thanks for these clear instructions. Before reading this post I may have inadvertently caused the destruction of humanity… As I do not possess an iphone at present I will be avoiding all late night corn fields. I will also be practicing my poker face so as not to offend the visitors with my frozen look of horror. Thanks again!
    PS: Is playing them ‘We are the champions’ by Queen just asking for trouble?

  61. Your humor is infectious! Keep writing.
    I wonder if you might be able to write about “Autism”. It is called the “geek” disease because children with Autism appear to be predominantly born in “geek” parent households. Autistic kids are otherwise very healthy but they have communication issues. They have tantrums they cannot control – somewhat like how Parkinsons patients get episodes they cannot control.
    One Autistic child has a simple request to be accepted by a tolerant society. They want to be included in the diversity column. It is a man-made modern disease. The Autistic kids will grow up and remain Autistic adults. They are part of society.

    Perhaps, you might be able to bring attention to them? Your unique style of nerdy humor is exactly what is needed. Do visit my articles. One of interest may be Flu vaccine article

    Parents have observed that healthy kids become Autistic during their childhood vaccination schedule.

    • Well thanks. I would really like to do a piece that would help people, but I think I would be hard-pressed to implement my style of humor in such a way that it did not come off as offensive with regards to such an important, but sensitive topic.

      I’m glad you liked the post. Don’t be a stranger. 🙂

  62. SHIT, Sam’s face at the end of the video LMAO! I love Dean, I love that man so much, I love ‘im love ‘im love ‘im would do everythin’ for ‘im cos I love ‘im love ‘im love ‘im! Kudos to you for being a Supernatural fan!
    I like how you write. It’s funny, open and honest, and you sound like a total kid. Or a teenager. Or both. I wonder if you ARE both. That would be cool, cos that would make me a total psychic.
    I’m subscribing, just so you know.
    “How does it get any worse? Some alien made you his bitch!”
    I LOVE DEAN

  63. Nice to know we are preparing to meet Aliens as a human race now 🙂
    But seriously, this stuff is everywhere. In 20 years, we might look back and look what happened, and we could say “that was a legendary day, when we met the aliens”.

    Thanks for sharing this positive message and not going into the whole spreading of fear, like Hollywood has chosen.

  64. People in other planets are probably not worse than people of the earth, so if we arrive to well communicate between us; it will surely be easier to communicate with the other planets inhabitants …

  65. Could Alien science and epistemology be incomprehensible to humans?
    On Wikipedia, I was reading the Stanisław Lem article and got linked to the Hypothetical types of biochemistry and Fermi paradox article, particularly the section on They are too alien, where it states “Another possibility is that human theoreticians have underestimated how much alien life might differ from that on Earth. Alien psychologies may simply be too different to communicate with human beings, to understand the concept of communication, or to even be interested in other lifeforms at all, and so they may be unable or unwilling to make the attempt. Human mathematics, language, tool use, and other concepts and communicative capacity may be parochial to Earth and not shared by other life.”
    Can anyone provide any websites, articles, or books that explore this concept?
    Specifically I would be interested in learning about the biological evolutionary and epistemological origins of a incommensurably radically different Alien consciousness, mathematics, perception, cognition and science.
    As humans we get primarily depend on a specific range of light-waves as our way of perceiving the world. Our fellow mammals the bat “sees” sound, while the Platypus “sees” smell. Evolutionarily speaking, mammals are our close cousins. So the difference in perception of a an evolved species with a radically different environment is barely comprehensible.
    At its core, I think the question comes down to whether you have a realist or instrumentalist view of science. If our knowledge and science is just what “works for us” or is “useful” than it might not necessarily be objectively True. It is caused by the mind-independent objective world, but might be experienced in radically different ways.
    Does alien life need to even be biochemical ? Perhaps a purely electromagnetic life form can arise in the interior of stars. Or perhaps dark matter, whatever it is, is alive. Or, even if we talk about biological life forms, I believe there are bacteria which live deep underground that have much slower metabolisms than those we are familiar with. Yes, they aren’t intelligent, but perhaps more complex organisms can exist with a similarly slow metabolic rate.
    This would be the epistemological basis for the cosmic horrors explored by Hp Lovecraft and Stanisław Lem in which aliens are so alien to humans, that it leads to complete incommensurablity and even madness.
    Anyway I look forward to any comments anyone has on this interesting topic

    • Swimming in the deep end of the pool are we? I’ll bite… There’s a comment above that talks about Pareidolia, which is a type of Apophenia and I feel it’s somehow related to what you’re talking about. There’s nothing saying that aliens would or would not be anthropomorphic. In the broad range of what could be described as, “life,” I speculate that it’s a bit presumptuous of us to assume that aliens would be directly similar to us. They could breath Methane for all we know. Here’s where the link to Apophenia comes in. The human mind is geared to find patterns in things. It’s basic survival instinct. In doing so, we subconsciously grasp for patterns that may or may not be there. That’s why aliens always appear as little green men in bad SciFi movies and why there’s a face on Mars. To hit on the second part of your response, you really need to pick up some books by Carl Sagan if you haven’t already. They’ll really help you direct some of your speculations. I’d recommend The Cosmic Connection: An Extraterrestrial Perspective, and Contact. Happy reading. Cheers! 🙂

  66. waaah, that’s a gooood story! i feel happy when i read it! 😀
    thank you! it is make me laugh (a lot!) 😀
    (sorry if my english languange is bad, i come from indonesia) ehehehe

    • Thank you, Anna. What I’m about to tell you isn’t classy, but I thought you should know. I nearly spewed my martini all over my laptop when I read your Gravatar description. The stabbing part really came out of left field. 😉

  67. As someone who has been contacted by aliens, I can say this guide will be completely useless. The aliens already realize that you are monitoring the corn fields at 3AM, so they actually land on college campuses in the middle of the morning. Particularly in the middle of a reasonably large city. Moreover, they actually don’t know any music that we have, because they live too far away to hear it. They only get here through time portals. Very high tech there.

  68. Love it!! Keep it up! I want to blog! If I blog and nobody reads it.. I tweeted three times.. I didn’t see the point, if nobody hears me.. ! Knew to all of this, but want to bring exposure to my website. .. thanks!

  69. I am new to Word press, so new in fact that this is the first comment I have left. I just wanted to say thanks for the laugh. I loved the art and since you mentioned Adams in the first few sentences I could not help but read on.

    I don’t believe in Aliens but should I ever encounter any I should try my best to remember your fine advise, before I launch in to the meaning of “life, the universe, and everything!”

  70. funny post. although I agree with staying calm instead of screaming around like an idiot from a paranoid apocalypse film. thanks for posting this. the drawing skills are bad-ass 🙂

  71. Ah excellent post. I am a huge sci fi fan and watch most things with aliens in them so I could probably spot an alien a mile off. They’d be safe in my hands, I’d give them chocolates (which i sell 😉 ) and and show them the historical delights of Britain. If anything goes wrong I’ll refer to my Doctor Who dvd collection for help!

  72. I wholeheartedly agree with the plan of just running away. I mean.. everyone does that and they might get oblitherated.. .but at least they tried to get away, what if you made friends with them and then… they killed everyone because you helped!? :[

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  76. Loved it!! This is one of the best posts I’ve seen in a while. You made my day..
    Now I’ll know what to do if i ever get into “that” situation. 😉
    P.S I too am big supernatural fan.

  77. Actually, following your advice might doom us all.
    There is a Far Side cartoon where this guy grips an alien’s head and shakes it vigorously, dooming mankind (the head looks like a hand).
    Great post, BTW!

  78. I cannot begin to thank you enough for this sage advice. My only alien visit contingency plan was Led Zeppelin, some tie-dye tshirts that read “My Parental Unit Visited Earth and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”, a quart jar of moonshine and a blunt. This was a great way to start a rainy Monday morning, so thanks for that, too, and congratulations on being FP!

  79. “Then I’ll ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest – but I’m not an alien!” Nice reference there – could have thrown in the “Eat my photons, smallheads!” during the planetary nuking picture, but otherwise I like it!

  80. Hi dude, i received your blog by telepathic transmission all the way to mars with a weird song like in ray bradbury’s novel wich i found in a copy of a oklahoma village on one of the big marsian valley.
    I have a question since i am really fare from planet earth i need love since my people in here forgot about such thing because of the atlantian lucifer rebellion. So here is my question, how do you put a like button so people can put there nice picture under my blog.
    I am not on facebook since marsian connection is really hard and i forgot my nip on the telepatik link i like to share my adventure i am presently visiting Mali in West africa by astral travelling, so much orange sand like home… sick of swipping the flore. Sorry for my language i live in a oral culture. you can answer me back on my blog.

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  83. This is hilarious, and now you have me listening to “Sister Christian,” which will totally be stuck in my head all night. Great blog post – I will definitely be checking out your site!

  84. and to think for the last 20 years i have been sitting in corn fields and clearings in the woods at 3am with what may have been some of the worst information out there.

    I was under the impression i should throw rocks at their ship as they land and shake my fist back and forth like Abe Simpson.

    thanks for the good laugh its appreciated.

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  86. 1. How do you know where I am at 3 on the morning?
    2. Do these theories work?
    3. Have you met an alien?
    4. H.R Giger already made me a laptop alien. He runs around leaving bad comments. I wish my iPod tines would work but dont stop believing is sounding like dnnt stoop blingin.

    • 1. The underwhelmer randomly guesses many things.
      2. I think so.
      3. See #2
      4. “Don’t Stop Blinging” was one of Journey’s lesser known singles. It did well on the UK charts, but didn’t have the muscle to make it on the US ones. 😉