Tag Archives: funny

Winston

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Back in college, I lived with a bunch of roommates. One girl was a Hooters (TM) waitress, the other was between jobs and the last guy was in a band.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back now, I was definitely a slum lord.

More on this in a later post. Anyway, the aspiring rock-star roommate decided to get a cat. I guess he was nodding to history or something when named the cat Winston (yes, after the little fat man from England). Wife (then girlfriend) and I began taking care of the cat because aspiring rock-star roommate was about as nurturing as a desert.

We showered Winston with love and attention and it pretty soon decided that we were its new masters and the best thing since catnip.

One morning I got up and made my way to the bathroom to take care of business. I thought I had shut the door, but I had not.  I look down and see this.

I revert to reflex and orient on the movement below me. It was Winston. He thought my golden stream was a string to play with and was trying to “get it”. I could only imagine what was going through his head.

This was all pieced together in my head in roughly two seconds, but I was still urinating while facing Winston…

I peed all over Winston’s face; right in his big, blue, trusting eyes. Winston ran terrified out of the bathroom and straight to the only person who could save him from such an atrocity. Girlfriend was sleeping peacefully when she was awoken by a soggy kitten. It went something like this.

ME: Oh God…

GIRLFRIEND: Mmmm… Hey Winston. What’s the matter?

ME: NOOOO!!!!

GIRLFRIEND: What is that smell? OH MY GOD!!! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO THE CAT?!?!?!?

ME: I pissed on him, but I didn’t-

GIRLFRIEND: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!? WHY ARE YOU SO GODDAMN SICK IN THE HEAD?!?!?

ME: I… I… I have no words…

It took several hours of reassuring to convince my girlfriend that I had not developed a very weird and specific form of sexual deviancy.

We scrubbed and washed Winston thoroughly, after we had burned the bed sheets.

That cat almost cost me my future wife.

Things You Don’t Expect

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Things You Don’t Expect

I made dinner the other night. I actually pride myself on being a pretty good cook. I learned my trade at a fine establishment. You may have head of a little family themed restaurant called Hooters (TM). I had to stop working there because they wouldn’t take my calendar photo submissions any more.

Turns out, they don’t allow dudes in the calendar, no matter how sexy they are. Anyway, the wife and I were eating dinner when I was picking through my spinach and I noticed two beady eyes looking back at me from my leafy greens.


Puzzled, I uncovered this…

Later that night, after I had stopped my uncontrollable vomiting, I wrote a not-so-nice letter to a major vegetable producing corporation.

This whole event got me thinking. It was pretty bad that I had nearly eaten (near as I could tell) the carcass of a boll weevil. It could have been a lot worse though. I sat down and came up some worst-case scenarios for other products. Here’s the top five with illustrations for your comedic enjoyment…

#5. Eye drop medication replaced with pepper spray.

#4. Cactus filled with scorpion eggs.

#3. Toothpaste replaced with caulk

#2. Fire extinguisher filled with kerosene

#1. Over-the-counter sinus medication replaced with powerful hallucinogens.

Considering the possibilities, I’m glad that I only had a large insect in my food. I almost feel good enough about it to not pursue this in court… almost.

The Ultimate Question

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I’ve spent a considerable amount of time and energy pondering the ultimate question… What is the best superpower to have if you could only have one?

There really are a lot to choose from. Many people think about being able to control the weather, turn invisible, etc. Here’s my top five.

#5. Invulnerability

Who wouldn’t want to be indestructible? On the surface, this sounds like the best one to have, but it has limitations. Invulnerability just means that you can’t be destroyed, period. It doesn’t say anything about actually being able to succeed at anything or, more importantly, your capacity to feel pain.

I imagine that after the first few hours of being trapped inside an active volcano, you’d start to rethink your superpower choice, but at least you’d live forever.

#4. Time travel

Another popular choice. With this one, you’d be able to do a little history research and then (somewhat reliably) re-shape the future. You could even travel to the future and then predict events in the present to your favor. The only downside I can see to this is the fact that history is full of dick-holes. Genghis Khan would be less interested in you personally and more interested in finding out if your head came off the same way as people from his time.

Travel through time at your own risk.

#3. Mind-reading

Here’s a classic. With mind-reading, nobody could hide anything from you. You’d be the ultimate interrogator and government agencies around the world would bid for your services. You’d be like a mind wizard.

A lot of research materials (comic books to the common folk) that I’ve read on the subject don’t really showcase an ‘off switch’ for this particular superpower. With that in mind, it would be wise to avoid insane asylums and large groups of mentally retarded people.

The effects could be permanent.

#2. Omniscience

This is a step up from mind-reading. There’s no point to reading minds if you know everything already. With omniscience, you truly would be the guru of everything.

This power would feel absolutely great and everyone would seek you out for your sage advice. You couldn’t expect to live very long though. It would only be a matter of time until you annoyed someone to the point of killing you. Think about how annoying the know-it-all at the party is. You’d be that guy to everyone, all the time.

Yeah, you’re days would be numbered.

#1. Telekinesis

I know… It doesn’t seem like a very good one, but here’s why it’s number one. With enough practice, you could move anything with your mind. Everything from a grain of sand to planets could be moved by your mind. This includes people too. What’s more, is that any person you manipulate would be completely aware of what you were forcing them to do. Imagine a hated business colleague stopping in the middle of a quarterly review presentation to strip naked and break-dance atop the boardroom table. The possibilities are endless.

As an added bonus, you could move yourself with your mind. Now you have the power of flight as well, an amazing two-for-the-price-of-one deal.

So, let’s review what we’ve learned…

#1. Superpowers are fucking awesome.

#2. See previous.

Summary complete.

The Escape at the Supermarket

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When I was a kid, one of my favorite things to do was to run away from my mom while we were shopping at Walmart (TM).

This was immensely satisfying to me. I guess my mom thought it was harmless and that I would get it out of my system eventually, so she didn’t really do much to stop it. At first, I’d run off for only about 20 to 30 minutes at a time, but my prison breaks eventually got more frequent and longer in duration. During one such foray, I had made my way to the paper towel aisle and had constructed my fortress of solitude complete with home garden defensive weapons and provisions from the snack aisle.

This had gone on for quite some time.  My mom was tired of waiting on me and decided to teach me a lesson. She left the store and waited in the parking lot, confident that I would emerge minutes later, tears streaming down my face.

I was running low provisions and decided to restock on salty junk food and soda. I made sure the coast was clear and cautiously made my way outside. Mom had been in the frozen food section when I left, which meant that she would be in dairy by now. I decided to check up on her on the way to collect my supplies. Like Jane Goodall stalking her apes, I peered from the edges of the jungle to observe adult Walmart (TM) shopper society in search of my quarry. Mom was not there, however.

I looked at the check-out area. No mom there either. Now most other six-year-old children would be very upset at this point, but not me. I was happy. Moreover, most people were leaving and the store would soon be mostly empty. The only sensible thing to do was to start my own nation-state.

It wasn’t long before I had used the extent of my imagination and created my own society in the fruits and vegetables section complete with crime and punishment.

Things were going swimmingly until I began to attract unwanted attention. A crowd had started to gather around me. It turned out that the late-night shoppers did not approve of my Draconian interpretation of the law.

I was asked to leave.

And that was the first of many times in my life where I was proud to be escorted out of a Walmart (TM).

I hate this cat… I don’t know why I have it.

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I was going through my weekday afternoon routine of excessive drinking and playing Rockband (TM) when I looked at one of my cats and I came to a conclusion…  I hate this damn cat.  As if hearing my thoughts the cat, Skittles, who was named by a three year old child, turned and looked directly at me.  This is a considerable effort for this cat considering she weighs in excess of 20lbs and has the physical activity level of a deep sea slug.

I stopped my fake guitar thrashing.  I stared at the cat in raw disbelief and came to an irrefutable truth.  I had owned this damn thing for three years and it had done absolutely nothing except cost time, money and patience; all things that I have in short supply.  The cat was mean, it was constantly shedding, it farted and when it felt like it, clawed the shit out of me.  I decided that I needed to get rid of Skittles.  First thing in the morning, she was going to be released into the wild where Mother Nature would decide her fate.  Unbeknownst to me, the cat somehow realized that something was amiss.

This put the cat into a depressive state.  About ten minutes later, my wife lets the cat onto our 2nd story balcony.  She had to come in to answer the phone.  As she passes me, she tells me jokingly;

WIFE: Watch the cat.  Make sure she doesn’t jump.

ME:  She’s too damn fat to jump.

WIFE: Yeah you’re right.

She walks by and I turn to look out onto the balcony and I see this.

Skittles leaps off the balcony.  I tell my wife.

ME: Uh, the cat just jumped.

WIFE: You’re not funny.

ME: That doesn’t change the fact that our fat fucking cat just committed suicide.

WIFE: Oh my God.

We go to look over the edge and I start thinking about how I’ll just bury the cat in our garden and I won’t have to deal with her anymore.  It’s cruel, but the cat problem just solved itself.  I look over the balcony railing and find something different.

Our cat had somehow broken the laws of physics and propelled her fat ass with such velocity that she cleared the driveway altogether.  She was now in the neighbor’s yard apparently just as surprised as to how she got there as I was.  The cat locked eyes with me and bolted off.  I turned to my wife.

ME:  Well, at least she’s alright.

WIFE: Yeah.

ME: Well, um, we did want to get rid of her.

WIFE: Well, yeah.

ME: Well we just don’t let her back in.  She’s now a neighborhood cat.

WIFE: Yeah, she’s probably much happier.

We continued on with our night, content that our cat was not only alive, but having wonderful adventures in the neighborhood and we didn’t have to let her back in the house.  Our doorbell rings and I answer the door.  There’s a little German girl standing there with our cat who had apparently clawed the shit out of her trying to get away.  The cat, however, seemed pleased that she was coming back against my will.  I don’t understand much German so this is what I hear.   

The cat was clearly taunting me.  Skittles seemed to know that I couldn’t tell the little girl that I didn’t want to own a cat, especially a cat as terrible as this one was.  I smiled and took the cat from her.  I felt a little piece of me die inside.  I closed the door and set the cat down.  It looked up at me in triumph.

I fucking hate this cat.

First Post… Yay!

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Greetings everyone.  Today is my first post thanks to WordPress.com.  Why anyone would give me the opportunity to talk to the world, I have no idea.

Here’s a list of things to expect in the near future from this site…..

-Updated format.  I’ll be working to personalize my little corner of the inter-webs.  I’m no computer programmer, but I’ve taken several hostage… Let’s see how they work under pressure.

-Nerd section.  This will link to all (nearly) things nerdy.  Expect links regarding science, comic books, time-travel theories and basically anything that if spoken in a public setting, would likely prevent you from having sex… ever.

-Humor section.  This will mostly consist of things that have happened in my life (or at least my perception of them).  I’ve had some tragically funny experiences that I hope to share.

-Poor quality drawings.  I am a terrible artist, but I understand that a good story needs to be punctuated with a good picture, even if it’s some kind of Microsoft paint abortion.

-Other shit I haven’t thought of yet.  As I muddle my way though this process, I’m sure to come up with fascinating topics, or not.  I haven’t made up my mind yet.