The Other Half of the Idiom

I have this incredibly distracting habit where, in my own head, I automatically edit other people’s sentences. I don’t actually say anything or interrupt people; that’s just rude, but as a huge nerd and card-carrying smart ass, I mentally add things that are completely ridiculous and/or hilarious.

Here’s an example:

When someone asks, “Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was 6′ 4″ tall?”

I only hear, “Did you know that Abraham Lincoln…”

This is the point where the crazy part of my brain takes over and fills in the rest. My mind reassembles the sentence into something this:

“Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was 600 meters tall and could breathe fire?”

This, of course, leads to awkward pauses during conversation along with a lot of inappropriate grinning on my part.

I do this all the time and I can’t turn it off. The whole process reminds me of these “math machines” that I had to assemble in the second grade.

My second grade teacher made us construct math machines to teach us simple arithmetic. The math machines were these little boxes with two slots connected by a chute. You’d put a card in that would say 4×4 = ? on the front and on the back it would say 16. All this stupid box did was flip your card over, but to a 2nd grader it was just short of witnessing magic in action.

I think this is similar to what the crazy part of my brain does with incoming sentences.

This whole automatic process happens more quickly with idioms. I think it’s because I’ve heard them more often than regular everyday sentences so my crazy, crazy brain has had more practice.

Anyway, I’ve decided to share some of these idiom alterations with you. I call it, “The Second Half of the Idiom” enjoy… oh, and they’ve got pictures too.

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth because they spit acid.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except for zombie outbreaks. They tend to spread.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for life.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Crossbreed fish and man and create an army of fish-monsters.

No time like the present.

No time like the present, well except in that cowboy themed parallel universe; it’s on pretty much the same timeline as ours, but with cowboys.

Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.

Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. You could have a multi-chicken.

You can’t judge a book by its cover.

You can’t judge a book by its cover; except the Necronomicon. It’s bound in human skin so that’s a pretty good indicator of what’s inside.


P.S. If you’ve got a second half of the idiom that you’d like to share, send it to and I’ll pick a winner to showcase on next week’s post.

P.P.S Although pictures aren’t required, they’ll help your chances. 😉

The Ultimate Question

I’ve spent a considerable amount of time and energy pondering the ultimate question… What is the best superpower to have if you could only have one?

There really are a lot to choose from. Many people think about being able to control the weather, turn invisible, etc. Here’s my top five.

#5. Invulnerability

Who wouldn’t want to be indestructible? On the surface, this sounds like the best one to have, but it has limitations. Invulnerability just means that you can’t be destroyed, period. It doesn’t say anything about actually being able to succeed at anything or, more importantly, your capacity to feel pain.

I imagine that after the first few hours of being trapped inside an active volcano, you’d start to rethink your superpower choice, but at least you’d live forever.

#4. Time travel

Another popular choice. With this one, you’d be able to do a little history research and then (somewhat reliably) re-shape the future. You could even travel to the future and then predict events in the present to your favor. The only downside I can see to this is the fact that history is full of dick-holes. Genghis Khan would be less interested in you personally and more interested in finding out if your head came off the same way as people from his time.

Travel through time at your own risk.

#3. Mind-reading

Here’s a classic. With mind-reading, nobody could hide anything from you. You’d be the ultimate interrogator and government agencies around the world would bid for your services. You’d be like a mind wizard.

A lot of research materials (comic books to the common folk) that I’ve read on the subject don’t really showcase an ‘off switch’ for this particular superpower. With that in mind, it would be wise to avoid insane asylums and large groups of mentally retarded people.

The effects could be permanent.

#2. Omniscience

This is a step up from mind-reading. There’s no point to reading minds if you know everything already. With omniscience, you truly would be the guru of everything.

This power would feel absolutely great and everyone would seek you out for your sage advice. You couldn’t expect to live very long though. It would only be a matter of time until you annoyed someone to the point of killing you. Think about how annoying the know-it-all at the party is. You’d be that guy to everyone, all the time.

Yeah, you’re days would be numbered.

#1. Telekinesis

I know… It doesn’t seem like a very good one, but here’s why it’s number one. With enough practice, you could move anything with your mind. Everything from a grain of sand to planets could be moved by your mind. This includes people too. What’s more, is that any person you manipulate would be completely aware of what you were forcing them to do. Imagine a hated business colleague stopping in the middle of a quarterly review presentation to strip naked and break-dance atop the boardroom table. The possibilities are endless.

As an added bonus, you could move yourself with your mind. Now you have the power of flight as well, an amazing two-for-the-price-of-one deal.

So, let’s review what we’ve learned…

#1. Superpowers are fucking awesome.

#2. See previous.

Summary complete.