I have this incredibly distracting habit where, in my own head, I automatically edit other people’s sentences. I don’t actually say anything or interrupt people; that’s just rude, but as a huge nerd and card-carrying smart ass, I mentally add things that are completely ridiculous and/or hilarious.
Here’s an example:
When someone asks, “Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was 6′ 4″ tall?”
I only hear, “Did you know that Abraham Lincoln…”
This is the point where the crazy part of my brain takes over and fills in the rest. My mind reassembles the sentence into something this:
“Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was 600 meters tall and could breathe fire?”
This, of course, leads to awkward pauses during conversation along with a lot of inappropriate grinning on my part.
I do this all the time and I can’t turn it off. The whole process reminds me of these “math machines” that I had to assemble in the second grade.
My second grade teacher made us construct math machines to teach us simple arithmetic. The math machines were these little boxes with two slots connected by a chute. You’d put a card in that would say 4×4 = ? on the front and on the back it would say 16. All this stupid box did was flip your card over, but to a 2nd grader it was just short of witnessing magic in action.
I think this is similar to what the crazy part of my brain does with incoming sentences.
This whole automatic process happens more quickly with idioms. I think it’s because I’ve heard them more often than regular everyday sentences so my crazy, crazy brain has had more practice.
Anyway, I’ve decided to share some of these idiom alterations with you. I call it, “The Second Half of the Idiom” enjoy… oh, and they’ve got pictures too.
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth because they spit acid.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except for zombie outbreaks. They tend to spread.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for life.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Crossbreed fish and man and create an army of fish-monsters.
No time like the present.
No time like the present, well except in that cowboy themed parallel universe; it’s on pretty much the same timeline as ours, but with cowboys.
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. You could have a multi-chicken.
You can’t judge a book by its cover.
You can’t judge a book by its cover; except the Necronomicon. It’s bound in human skin so that’s a pretty good indicator of what’s inside.
P.S. If you’ve got a second half of the idiom that you’d like to share, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll pick a winner to showcase on next week’s post.
P.P.S Although pictures aren’t required, they’ll help your chances. 😉
Thanks for the Army of Darkness ref. Made my day. Also, like the way your brain works.
I do what I can. 🙂
Abraham Lincoln and a Bruce Campbell Reference in the same post, very nice.
It’s all fair game here.
I’d love to be around you at a party! Love the fish monster!
I’m funny for about 8.6 seconds at a party… after that I finish off the booze and begin the mischief.
all the more reason!
Ug. I can’t draw, but here it goes…
A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush.
A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush Except When That Bird Pecks Out Your Eye, Then You Only End Up with One, One Eye That Is.
Okay, that was really bad. Let me try another…
Sick As A Dog.
Sick As A Dog and Stinky As One, Too!
Okay, so I suck at this, but here’s the last one I’ll butcher…
You Are What You Eat.
You Are What You Eat, In That Case, You Must Be A Cow.
Love the first one. 😉
That last one cracked me up! Thanks for the morning chuckle. Morning chuckle? I think I’ll be drinking one of those in the morning from now on.
Well then, cheers!
Haha, there are amazing! Love the last one!
Thanks Rae. 🙂
Ha! I love your brain.
Okay, here’s one (sorry for the lack of picture):
The grass is always greener on the other side.
The grass is always greener on the other side, except where the dang dog peed again because I TOLD YOU FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME he doesn’t understand boundaries; I mean, he licks his own butt for crying out loud.
This is the most hilarious random thing of randomness ever! My favorite one has the horse and the acid 🙂
Horses have large stomachs for acid production.
Okay, how about, “A friend in need is a friend indeed” or:
“a friend in need is a friend indeed, unless said friend has become a pod person, due to an unexpected attack (thanks to all this distracting zombie-worry), and what he needs is you. As in, as a host. That friend is, indeed, not a friend at all.”
Haha. Very true.
Crossbreed fish and man and create an army of fish-monsters.
This doesn’t happen often enough.
I know right? Where’s the imagination these days?
I love this post. I wish I had your MS Paint skills… Speaking of old Abe, I saw a trailer for a movie called ‘Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Killer”. Someone, somewhere, is making money out of doing the exact same thing as you 🙂
Yup… only I’m not making any money. 😦
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Reblogged this on bottlesandbaubles and commented:
Finally, someone who has a brain that works like mine, i.e., like a boss.
lol. Glad you like it.
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I pretty much (well partly) created a wordpress blog JUST so that I can comment on how I am STILL hysterical over this post! HAHAHA! It is just so ridiculously awesome!