7 x 7 Award and Freshly Pressed on the Same Day? What’s a Nerd to Do?

Posted on November 21, 2011 by underwhelmer

NOTE: The WordPress software doesn’t like this post for some reason, so I had to put little dots on the left side of the post to get the spacing that I wanted. Please do your best to ignore them and sorry for the distraction. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

Friday was a very special day. On Friday, I received a most prestigious award. Mr. Russ Nickel over at Reasonably Ludicrous chose me to receive the coveted 7 x 7 blog award.

His 7 x 7 award was represented by a cheeseburger. Each blogger can choose to represent the award however they desire, so I (in true nerd/ mad scientist fashion) have chosen to represent it as a nuclear warhead.*

*fun fact: 7 x 7 = 49. The Scientists working on the Manhattan Project referred, in shorthand, to plutonium as 49. That’s why this award is depicted as a nuke, hurray for trivia!

Quite frankly, I’m honored to even be featured on the blogroll of a comedy duo as spectacularly talented as Russ and Sam. To receive the award, well it… it choked up the old underwhelmer.

I had to stop work on my latest spells for a few hours because I was all verklempt.

I was writing my “thank you, I’m not worthy” response to Russ and Sam, when I noticed that my G mail inbox was increasing in size at an exponential level.

And then I saw it… a simple letter from the WordPress branch of the Illuminati stating that I had been Freshly Pressed. I opened up Live, Nerd, Repeat and the entire internet spilled out onto my humble little page.

It was like coming home from work and flipping on the lights to a surprise party full of thousands of invisible, enthusiastic strangers.

Once the general shock had worn off, I began responding to all of the comments that were now flooding my page (I’m still sorting through everything, by the way.)

The comments have been very nice and supportive (with the exception of a few grumpy bears) and I felt nothing but joy as I respond to ever single one of them.

I began thinking about how much of a coincidence it was that I had received the 7 x 7 a few hours before being Freshly Pressed. I decided to get to the bottom of this.

After careful research, I have found the connection and I can explain it to you now…

…WITH MATHEMATICS!!!

Now, who’s ready for a boring math lecture?

Don’t worry, it’s not that bad. You ready?

Well, by God, we’re doing this anyway.

7 x 7 = 49. I only have one award, so we’ll divide 1 over 49.

¹⁄₄₉ = 0.0204081632 6530612244 8979591836 7346938775 51 (that’s 42 repeating digits.)

There are 42 positive integers that are less than 49 and co-prime to 49.

Multiplying 020408163265306122448979591836734693877551 by each of these integers results in a cyclic permutation of the original number with exactly 42 digits:

020408163265306122448979591836734693877551

× 2

——————————————————————-

040816326530612244897959183673469387755102

And

020408163265306122448979591836734693877551

× 3

——————————————————————-

061224489795918367346938775510204081632653

…etc.

This means that 49 and 42 share a constant and immutable connection.

42 was Douglas Adams‘ favorite number.

Douglas Adams is referenced numerous times in my post about aliens.

The WordPress Illuminati must have processed this logic chain through their Freshly Pressed post-finding computer, which of course, caused it to explode.

*I assume that the computer would look like HAL 9000.)

When they traced back the reason for the explosion, they would have found my blog.

It’s either that or they just randomly read my post and thought it was kind of funny, but that’s not nearly as interesting as my unreasonably convoluted conspiracy theory.

So now I’ve solved the mystery as to how Freshly Pressed is selected, but that isn’t what this post is about. This post is about the 7 x 7 award.

Now it’s my turn to carry out my sacred duty as outlined in the 7 x 7 manuscript (I assume there’s manuscript somewhere.) Here are my answers to the seven questions… with pictures!

Most Beautiful Post: Tom Collins vs. Pretty Much Everything Else. This is a post that came out much better than I had anticipated. I was working with some new techniques with the illustrations and I was pleasantly surprised with how the end product looked. The post also had one of the highest concentration of pictures out of anything I had made in quite some time.

Most Popular Post: What to Do if You’re the First Human to Make Contact with Aliens. This was a crazy coincidence that this post erupted at nearly the same time I received the 7 x 7 award. I think that Russ Nickel is a good luck charm. This post has made all of my previous days on my stat bars shrink down to nothing. I think I got something on the order of a bajillion* hits on this one post.

*(adj.) meaning a lot, or a “crap-ton.“

Most Controversial Post: I am a Video Game Savant. I made a reference to autism in the post and I know that it’s a hot-button topic with a lot of people. As a humor blogger, I can pick and choose my topics pretty freely, so I’m probably over-conscious sometimes. It’s amazing what some people can get worked up over though. I think it has to do with the fact that tone and context are harder to discern over the inter-webs.

Most Helpful Post: I think the What to Do if You’re the First Human to Make Contact with Aliens post might actually help people. I know I sound crazy, but if the scenario ever plays itself out, at least the person abducted would have at least thought about the subject recently. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t help out with avoiding probing though.

Most Surprisingly Successful Post: I sound like a broken record, but again it’s What to Do if You’re the First Human to Make Contact with Aliens. Somehow, the WordPress people decided that it was funny and put it up over an entire weekend, much to my surprise.

Most Underrated Post: Winston. It’s kind of sick, but I thought that a post about accidentally urinating all over a kitten would have people commenting (or at the very least, condemning me.) Maybe I just remember it being funnier than it actually was. On second thought, it was pretty funny when that pee-soaked kitten fled and hopped onto the bed with Wife.

Most Pride-worthy Post: My very First Post. I actually had no idea how I was going to go about this blogging thing when I posted it. It was just a few simple lines that outlined what I thought (at the time) I would do with my blog. I sat on it for nearly two months and then I just decided to do a post about my horrible, fat, and disgusting cat.

Wow, that was hard. So now, it’s time to pass the baton. Here are the other blogs that I choose to receive the coveted 7 x 7.

Miss Demure Restraint: Known as Miss D. to her friends, Miss Demure Restraint is the author of countless amazing posts. It doesn’t matter what topic Miss D. covers because I know that she will make me laugh, think and then laugh and think again. She never fails to be insightful, inspiring, and deliciously sarcastic. Miss D. sets the bar very high and you would do well to get on her good side before she is crowned, “Queen of the Writing Universe.“ It’s only a matter of time.

History Guffaw: History is one of my favorite topics and Guffaw101 is an outstanding professor. The Guffaw never ceases to be hilarious, informative and completely out of left field. What’s more, is that the Guffaw is updated every single day, without fail. I’m not sure how Guffaw101 does it, but the results are spectacular. Please read, you won’t regret it.

Pretty Feet Pop Toe: This is the home of the finest witterings I have ever seen. What are witterings you ask? Never you mind that. All you need to know is that Pretty Feet Pop Toe will leave your sides splitting in fits of laughter. Her surreal and perceptive take on the mundane will simultaneously stimulate your imagination and your funny bone and leave you begging for more. Do pay her a visit, but don’t make her mad. You might wind up with your eye poked.

P.S. I would have included Peas and Cougars, but Russ Nickel beat me to it already. Sorry M. Rae. For what it’s worth, I still think your blog is top-shelf A+ in my book!

P.P.S. As fate would have it, Peas and Cougars nominated one of the blogs that I was going to add. Well, here’s my nomination write-up for Angry Pear although the official award comes from Peas and Cougars. You clearly have amazing taste, M. Rae.

Angry Pear: Drew McKevitt illustrates pears here. This may not sound entertaining at first, but these pears are amazing. The artwork is absolutely beautiful and the anthropomorphized pears are quite the take on still-life, if I do say so myself. Furthermore, the pears often fly into fits of anger for unknown reasons, which only adds more flavor to this very rich and well-composed blog. My hat is off to you, Angry Pear!

What to Do if You’re the First Human to Make Contact with Aliens

Posted on November 15, 2011 by underwhelmer

700

Step 1: Don’t Panic.

Douglas Adams listed this first for a reason. This is perhaps the most important step and it will certainly set the tone for the rest of your close encounter. The last thing you want to do is represent the entire human race by being a scared-to-death little idiot.

It is vitally important that you do not contort your face in terror and/or flee from the aliens no matter how horrifying they may be. They could be very sensitive about their nightmarish, be-tentacled appearance and consider your actions a grave insult or an act of war. They might also think that humanity is a bunch of wimps that are fit for nothing but extermination. You don’t want the results of that on your conscience…

… so grab whatever iota of composure you have and get ready to be Earth’s shining ambassador to the stars.

Step 2: Take stock of the situation.

You need to ask yourself some important questions. Where are we? What am I doing right now? How does this look to the aliens? Have I been probed yet? Why not? Is it because I’m ugly? Looking at all the written works on alien encounters, you’re most likely to make extraterrestrial contact when you’re alone in the middle of a cornfield at night. The aliens have likely chosen this location because of its seclusion. The same could be said for you, but we won’t go into what you’re doing in the middle of a cornfield at 3 a.m. you sad, lonely person.

The aliens are trying one of two things. They’re either cautiously examining Earth from a neutral/benevolent standpoint or they’re infiltrating it for future conquest. So put that sheep down (you’ve done enough to it already) and try to determine what type of alien you have in front of you. The appearance of the alien will tell you a lot about its motives.

If it looks like a little dude in a jumpsuit with a big head, then you’re probably OK.

If it looks like H. R. Giger came up with it, you have a few seconds to live. Make them count.

So… right now we’ll assume that some alien isn’t ramming its ovipositor down your throat and laying its eggs in your chest. This takes us to our next step.

Step 3: Communicate.

In the historical documentary, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Mr. Spielberg shows us that aliens can solve inter-species communication issues with music. The scientists were able to “talk” to the aliens with an elaborate musical device that sounded similar to a rooster having sex with a frog in front of a megaphone. You can use music too. Now remember, you’re representing the entire human race so don’t skimp out on the quality. The aliens won’t really be impressed by your harmonica or your ability to belch the alphabet.

Instead pull out that iPhone and wow your guests with an enduring ballad of the ages. Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing is an acceptable song. If you do not have it, play Night Ranger’s Sister Christian instead. If you do not have either of these songs, contact me so I can send you alien appropriate music. Remember that radio waves can take quite a while to travel the cosmos, so it’s likely that our space friends are well into the power ballads of the 80s and have no idea who this Rihanna person is.

It won’t be long before you and your interstellar guests become fast friends.

Step 4: Take Us to Your Leader.

Your friends will inevitably ask to see “your leader.” There are two ways to go about this. You could take the aliens to UN headquarters so they can watch all of our leaders bicker and argue over whether or not the aliens in front of them actually exist. This display will most likely lead to the extermination of the entire human race. Option two is to tell your alien friends, “I’m in charge. What do you guys want to talk about?”

If you play your cards right, you could be made Earth’s ambassador to their home planet and perhaps the entire Galactic Council.

If you screw this up though, you’ll anger a lot of aliens. This will only open yourself up to lots and lots of probing.

In closing, I just wanted to say, “Good luck, we’re all counting on you.”

THE END.

P.S. I’m a big Supernatural fan. I had to work that probing clip in somehow.

P.P.S. Probing is still not a laughing matter.

I am a Video Game Savant

Posted on November 6, 2011 by underwhelmer

I believe that each person in the world has at least one thing that they’re naturally inclined to be good at. Some people can make the world weep with joy by simply putting paint to canvas. Others can craft architectural wonders that will last throughout the ages.

Sadly, I am not one of those people. My gift is video games. I am like the Rain Man when it comes to video games.

To put this into perspective, I beat Super Mario Brothers before I made my first friend.

That’s what I did for years. I played nearly every game I could get my hands on.

I still play some games to this day, but I’ve run into some issues in the past few years. You see, I grew up playing games that were exceedingly difficult. The games back then didn’t have the programming technology to include nice things like save features, a decent plot, freedom of choice or an overall length of more than a couple of hours. Instead, the game developers of yesteryear made each game contain a punishing difficulty so you couldn’t beat it easily and therefore had to play it longer.

Games back then were a little psychotic too. Due to all the plot shortcomings, your character was often a loner who killed scores of people/ monsters for unclear reasons.

Modern video games, on the other hand, have now introduced freedom of choice and show the player the impact of their decisions. Unfortunately, I still have this ingrained tendency to play today’s games as if they were yesteryear’s. I go in, sword in hand, and kill everything with frightening speed and efficiency. Sometimes I get a little carried away and this often backfires on me.

This is all well and good until modern gaming shows me the consequences of my actions.

And then we are all killed by a swarm of werebeavers and I feel like a terrible person to boot.

THE END.

P.S. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is out.

P.P.S I most definitely brought my subconscious campaign of irrational genocide to that magical universe.

Live, Nerd, Repeat’s guide to being a super-villain

Posted on September 18, 2011 by underwhelmer

Follow these easy steps and pretty soon you’ll be thwarting spies and assembling your robot army!

Step 1. Choose your theme.

The Mad Scientist.

The Mad Scientist theme says a lot about you. You’re smart, capable and completely insane. You’ve got a photo-resonaictransmodulator and although you’re not quite sure what it’ll do, you know that the space-time continuum will never be the same again.

The Militant Dictator.

Being a super-villain takes order and discipline, which you’ve got in spades. I mean, just look at all those medals. Sure, you awarded them to yourself, but who’s going to argue with you AND your fanatical army?

Evil Aristocrat.

Cultured, wealthy and evil. You have it all. You know where all of the silverware goes at any dinner occasion and you also know the best way to get brain matter out of your formal wear. You’re going to climb your way to the top the only way you know how; on the backs of peasants. You’re going to look damn good while doing it too.

Step 2. Chose a location for your HQ.

Center of the Earth.

Nothing says, “I’m going to do some damage down here” like having your HQ in the Earth’s core. When you broadcast to the free nations of the world from your molten lair, you’re not only making your usual outrageous demands, you’re also stating, “look I can master this magma-filled environment. You have no hope against me or my lava creatures.”

Flying Fortress City.

You can go anywhere and do anything (namely bomb the crap out of stuff) from your cloud city. Curb your jealously Lando. Unlike Mr. Calrissian’s little town in the sky, this cloud city doesn’t suck. Let terror fill the skies as you launch your fleet of bombers and jet-pack equipped shock-troopers with ease!

The Undisclosed Location.

Secrecy and intrigue are your watchwords, oh great shadow-master. What better way to incite fear and confusion amongst your enemies than by broadcasting from an undisclosed location? You could be on the moon, in an abandoned military base or even in your mom’s basement.

*The last option saves a ton on overhead costs.

Step 3. Get minions.

You really want to make sure that your minions are well taken care of. Most of their time will be spent on boring guard duty or minding some monitor in your control room. Their commitment and loyalty will be tested so it’s important that they’re properly incentivized.

Watch out for those minion unions though… bunch of blood-suckers.

Step 4. Find something to hate.

You need to find something that most other people love and then learn to hate it. This will make sense in the next few steps. For now, let’s go with baby harp seals.

Right you are baby seal… right you are.

Step 5. Build Doomsday weapon.

Now this doesn’t just have to be your run-of-the-mill hydrogen bomb. Get creative with this step. Try creating a biological weapon instead of a boring old bomb. Here’s a were-beaver I made for your inspiration.

Imagine an army of these things howling for blood outside of NATO headquarters…

Step 6. Apply Doomsday weapon to thing you hate for fun and profit!

This step is self-explanatory but it deserves an awesome picture…

Step 7. Ransom with crazy speech.

Now this is your most important step. You’ll want to rehearse you’re crazy ransom speech. This will be like your signature to the rest of the free world. The last thing that will strike fear into the hearts of world leaders is you making an ass out of yourself in front of everyone.

Step 8. Collect money and repeat steps 4-7 until you are killed by a drunken, misogynist British spy.

And there you have it. Now get out there and start making the world a much more awesome place.

Things You Don’t Expect

Posted on August 28, 2011 by underwhelmer

Things You Don’t Expect

I made dinner the other night. I actually pride myself on being a pretty good cook. I learned my trade at a fine establishment. You may have head of a little family themed restaurant called Hooters (TM). I had to stop working there because they wouldn’t take my calendar photo submissions any more.

Turns out, they don’t allow dudes in the calendar, no matter how sexy they are. Anyway, the wife and I were eating dinner when I was picking through my spinach and I noticed two beady eyes looking back at me from my leafy greens.

Puzzled, I uncovered this…

Later that night, after I had stopped my uncontrollable vomiting, I wrote a not-so-nice letter to a major vegetable producing corporation.

This whole event got me thinking. It was pretty bad that I had nearly eaten (near as I could tell) the carcass of a boll weevil. It could have been a lot worse though. I sat down and came up some worst-case scenarios for other products. Here’s the top five with illustrations for your comedic enjoyment…

#5. Eye drop medication replaced with pepper spray.

#4. Cactus filled with scorpion eggs.

#3. Toothpaste replaced with caulk

#2. Fire extinguisher filled with kerosene

#1. Over-the-counter sinus medication replaced with powerful hallucinogens.

Considering the possibilities, I’m glad that I only had a large insect in my food. I almost feel good enough about it to not pursue this in court… almost.

The Ultimate Question

Posted on August 20, 2011 by underwhelmer

I’ve spent a considerable amount of time and energy pondering the ultimate question… What is the best superpower to have if you could only have one?

There really are a lot to choose from. Many people think about being able to control the weather, turn invisible, etc. Here’s my top five.

#5. Invulnerability

Who wouldn’t want to be indestructible? On the surface, this sounds like the best one to have, but it has limitations. Invulnerability just means that you can’t be destroyed, period. It doesn’t say anything about actually being able to succeed at anything or, more importantly, your capacity to feel pain.

I imagine that after the first few hours of being trapped inside an active volcano, you’d start to rethink your superpower choice, but at least you’d live forever.

#4. Time travel

Another popular choice. With this one, you’d be able to do a little history research and then (somewhat reliably) re-shape the future. You could even travel to the future and then predict events in the present to your favor. The only downside I can see to this is the fact that history is full of dick-holes. Genghis Khan would be less interested in you personally and more interested in finding out if your head came off the same way as people from his time.

Travel through time at your own risk.

#3. Mind-reading

Here’s a classic. With mind-reading, nobody could hide anything from you. You’d be the ultimate interrogator and government agencies around the world would bid for your services. You’d be like a mind wizard.

A lot of research materials (comic books to the common folk) that I’ve read on the subject don’t really showcase an ‘off switch’ for this particular superpower. With that in mind, it would be wise to avoid insane asylums and large groups of mentally retarded people.

The effects could be permanent.

#2. Omniscience

This is a step up from mind-reading. There’s no point to reading minds if you know everything already. With omniscience, you truly would be the guru of everything.

This power would feel absolutely great and everyone would seek you out for your sage advice. You couldn’t expect to live very long though. It would only be a matter of time until you annoyed someone to the point of killing you. Think about how annoying the know-it-all at the party is. You’d be that guy to everyone, all the time.

Yeah, you’re days would be numbered.

#1. Telekinesis

I know… It doesn’t seem like a very good one, but here’s why it’s number one. With enough practice, you could move anything with your mind. Everything from a grain of sand to planets could be moved by your mind. This includes people too. What’s more, is that any person you manipulate would be completely aware of what you were forcing them to do. Imagine a hated business colleague stopping in the middle of a quarterly review presentation to strip naked and break-dance atop the boardroom table. The possibilities are endless.