Live, Nerd, Repeat’s guide to being a super-villain

Follow these easy steps and pretty soon you’ll be thwarting spies and assembling your robot army!

Step 1. Choose your theme.

The Mad Scientist.

The Mad Scientist theme says a lot about you. You’re smart, capable and completely insane. You’ve got a photo-resonaictransmodulator and although you’re not quite sure what it’ll do, you know that the space-time continuum will never be the same again.

The Militant Dictator.

Being a super-villain takes order and discipline, which you’ve got in spades. I mean, just look at all those medals. Sure, you awarded them to yourself, but who’s going to argue with you AND your fanatical army?

Evil Aristocrat.

Cultured, wealthy and evil. You have it all. You know where all of the silverware goes at any dinner occasion and you also know the best way to get brain matter out of your formal wear. You’re going to climb your way to the top the only way you know how; on the backs of peasants. You’re going to look damn good while doing it too.

Step 2. Chose a location for your HQ.

Center of the Earth.

Nothing says, “I’m going to do some damage down here” like having your HQ in the Earth’s core. When you broadcast to the free nations of the world from your molten lair, you’re not only making your usual outrageous demands, you’re also stating, “look I can master this magma-filled environment. You have no hope against me or my lava creatures.”

Flying Fortress City.

You can go anywhere and do anything (namely bomb the crap out of stuff) from your cloud city. Curb your jealously Lando. Unlike Mr. Calrissian’s little town in the sky, this cloud city doesn’t suck. Let terror fill the skies as you launch your fleet of bombers and jet-pack equipped shock-troopers with ease!

The Undisclosed Location.

Secrecy and intrigue are your watchwords, oh great shadow-master. What better way to incite fear and confusion amongst your enemies than by broadcasting from an undisclosed location? You could be on the moon, in an abandoned military base or even in your mom’s basement.

*The last option saves a ton on overhead costs.

Step 3. Get minions.

You really want to make sure that your minions are well taken care of. Most of their time will be spent on boring guard duty or minding some monitor in your control room. Their commitment and loyalty will be tested so it’s important that they’re properly incentivized.

Watch out for those minion unions though… bunch of blood-suckers.

Step 4. Find something to hate.

You need to find something that most other people love and then learn to hate it. This will make sense in the next few steps. For now, let’s go with baby harp seals.

Right you are baby seal… right you are.

Step 5. Build Doomsday weapon.

Now this doesn’t just have to be your run-of-the-mill hydrogen bomb. Get creative with this step. Try creating a biological weapon instead of a boring old bomb. Here’s a were-beaver I made for your inspiration.

Imagine an army of these things howling for blood outside of NATO headquarters…

Step 6. Apply Doomsday weapon to thing you hate for fun and profit!

This step is self-explanatory but it deserves an awesome picture…

Step 7. Ransom with crazy speech.

Now this is your most important step. You’ll want to rehearse you’re crazy ransom speech. This will be like your signature to the rest of the free world. The last thing that will strike fear into the hearts of world leaders is you making an ass out of yourself in front of everyone.

Step 8. Collect money and repeat steps 4-7 until you are killed by a drunken, misogynist British spy.

And there you have it. Now get out there and start making the world a much more awesome place.

15 thoughts on “Live, Nerd, Repeat’s guide to being a super-villain

  1. No collective bargaining for minions, that’s cold-blooded… the reason I’m not a super-villian- total niche market. Why can’t I be an evil janitor with plans of world domination? Nope their only three types and the aristocrat one is kinda lame, they are just bored… why can’t the world have a supervillian they can relate too? Like a cashier or bus driver…

    • Good points… I’ll have to rethink the evil super-villain genre. Maybe we could go with a profession that’s already universally hated, like a DMV desk clerk or a meter maid? Keep the suggestions coming and thanks for reading.

    • A supervillain doesn’t have to conquer the whole world — you could just try to make an impact in your local tri-state area. (Speaking of that, if you haven’t ever watched Phineas & Ferb on TV, you must check it out. Dr. Doofenschmirtz is an awesome parody of supervillains! He does everything in the old-school way — explain the backstory, give the hero a chance to escape, include a self-destruct button… just classic!)

  2. This post reminds me of a discussion on my blog where we interviewed a mad scientist. His name is Important Evil Genius (E.D), and he does everything the old-school way. There’s another mad scientist occasionally on the blog named Mr. Destructo (who is in college getting his doctorate in evil). He refutes the idea of self-destruct buttons and giving the “hero” the chance to foil your plans. The two of them argue sometimes about how one should try to conquer the world.

    We’ve even had a movie idea based on that theme (which is linked to at the above link) — where the stars of the movie would be the two evil geniuses, with both competing to conquer/destroy the world first. (This was before “Despicable Me”.) The “hero” would have a sidekick type role.

    In the interview referenced, there’s also a link to a news release where the Important Evil Genius’ secret lair in a volcano was discovered and raided. The discussion from that is classic. Some of the characters are recurring, which adds even more to the story. (This makes it get even better as you continue reading.)

    I didn’t come here to promote my blog, but I’m fascinated with supervillains, and thus have written about them numerous times. Thought you might enjoy checking it out, given the nature of the post above.

    • Nice link. Supervillains are such a rich topic. I love the thematic feel of the 1950s Jet Age and all the insanity it spawned (supervillains, super science, the back-drop of the Cold War among other things). Thanks for reading. 🙂

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