The W.I.T.H / W.A.H. Phenomenon

Posted on December 8, 2013 by underwhelmer

Hi everybody! I’m not dead. At least, I don’t think so anyway. So far, I can still grab doorknobs and other objects without my hand phasing through them so that’s a good sign.

Speaking of grabbing things in the house, I got up yesterday and made a huuuuge breakfast. When it was all done, I did what I always do and just put all the pots, pans and dishes in the sink to “soak”.

I got up this morning and saw a dirty pile of greasy dishes in the sink and I realized that I suck at being an adult. I truly had no real expectations to do these dishes at all this weekend. Instead, I hold onto the belief that, one day, I’m just going to morph into a person who actually wants to be responsible. After some horribly accurate introspection, I discovered the ugly truth is that I have a very strong desire to be hugely irresponsible and do as little as possible all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I still put my pants on and go to work everyday.

Well, most days anyway.

I handle the big stuff like paying bills and whatnot, but I find it’s the little things that I slack on. I find that I lie to and convince myself that what I’m doing is responsible or frugal or (insert positive adjective here) and not just a by-product of outright laziness.

I think it all comes down to this disconnect that I have with what I think will happen vs. what actually happens.

I’ve dubbed this the W.I.T.H (What I Think will Happen) vs. W.A.H. (What Actually Happens) phenomenon. Enjoy.

I’ll do the dishes after they soak so I don’t have to scrub so hard.

Here’s what I think will happen.

Here’s what actually happens.

Those damn things sit there for about a week and a kraken hatches.

I’ll wash the car after it rains so I’ll have less pollen or whatever to rinse off.

I think nature will go out of its way and help me clean my car.

Sadly, it doesn’t rain for months and my car is covered in all manner of shit.

I’ll set my alarm thirty minutes early so I can have the time to enjoy a nice breakfast and put myself into a ridiculously cheery mood, complete with singing.

Here’s what happens instead… I hit snooze until the last minute and have a spoonful of peanut butter and some vitamins like an anorexic model. I’m so tired that I can’t even be angry. I just look back at my life in a moment of quiet, painful reflection.

I convince myself that I’ll take out the trash & recycling once all cans are full so I’m more efficient with my time and energy.

Here’s what really happens; the wine and liquor bottles fill the glass bin exponentially faster than all other types of recycling and my neighbors get to see how much of an irresponsible drunk I actually am.

I think I’ll update my blog every Sunday so my thousands of subscribers will continue to like me.

But, here’s what I do… I finish every Sunday the exact same way they start; with a bottle of whiskey and no pants.

THE END.

P.S. Sometimes a little bit of writing gets done on Sundays.

P.P.S. Usually not a lot, unfortunately. I still want us to be friends though. Here, I made a smiley face for you… 🙂

Early 1990s: The Best Time to be a Kid, Part II

Posted on September 22, 2013 by underwhelmer

I spent a long time thinking about what to showcase in this next segment. “What could be more awesome than Gak?” I asked myself. After some deep soul-searching, the answer was Saturday morning cartoons. As a wee lad, Saturday morning cartoons were the highlight of my week…

Er, maybe the highlight of my early existence.

Spider-man was indeed awesome, but it was one of many great cartoons. I thought about which Saturday morning cartoons were my favorites for a bit and then, all of a sudden, it came to me.

One word…Thundercats.

That’s right, Thundercats. I know some of you are probably crying foul right now. “But underwhelmer, Thundercats aired from 1985 to 1988 and technically isn’t an early 90s show.” I hear your concerns, but that’s what made Thundercats even more awesome to me as a kid. In the early 90s, it was all reruns and they were all out of order; completely demolishing any semblance of a plot or feeling of continuity between episodes.

My memories of the show hold up much better than the actual show itself. I re-watched a couple of episodes and came to the conclusion that it was completely fucking insane. The basis of the show was on the same preposterous level as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Ninjitsu master, teenage, pizza-addicted, crime fighting anthropomorphized turtles named after the great masters of art and science? Why the hell not?

Thundercats made no more sense than the turtles. First off, they’re space-faring cat people who are fleeing the destruction of their planet, Thundera. Let your mind wrap around that one for a moment. Good now? OK. Next, they flee to a planet called, Third Earth (never-you-mind what happened to Second Earth.) Along this journey, they are nearly hunted to extinction by mutant marauders hailing from the unimaginatively named planet, Plun-Darr. The Thundercats stave off extinction with a magic sword that houses a powerful artifact called The Eye of Thundera. Upon landing on Third Earth, Lion-O is appointed the leader of the Thundercats despite the fact that (due to a stasis capsule accident) he literally has the mind of a child in the body of a cat/ Conan hybrid. The Thundercats build a base of operations called the Cat’s Lair with the help of the Third Earth natives, who we never seem to see in any other episodes. This plot hole is quickly left wide open with the swift arrival of the Plun-Darr marauders and the introduction of Mumm-Ra, who for no clear reason is a D&D Liche living the bowels of Third Earth. The series then catapults into a series of skirmishing conflicts between the Thundercats and the Mumm-Ra/ Plun-Darr alliance. Nothing is ever resolved and the Thundercats and Mumm-Ra’s forces are locked in perpetual struggle for dominance of a planet that seemed to be completely oblivious to the alien races battling in their jungles. In short, it was the perfect recipe for a Saturday morning cartoon; utter madness.

Despite the fact that the show was created by crazy people, it did follow a fairly structured episode layout. I think the below graph sums up about 90% of the episodes across all of the seasons… enjoy.

THE END.

P.S. Snarf!

P.P.S. SNARF!!!

Early 1990s: The Best Time to be a Kid, Part I

Posted on August 25, 2013 by underwhelmer

I got up this morning, made my coffee and sat at my writing desk, as is my usual Sunday ritual. My desk has a nice window view toward my neighborhood. I get to write and draw for hours while watching my neighbors do normal human things. There’s nothing like observing people interacting with each other outside on a bright, sunny day to remind me of how much of a creepy hermit I’ve become since I’ve started writing.

As I typed in my underpants, I noticed two ten-year-old boys sitting on the curb (stop thinking what you’re thinking you damned perverts) and they were both staring at their smart phones, presumably texting each other.

It was a beautiful day outside; why were they on their phones?. They’re frigging ten… why do they have smart phones in the first place? Shouldn’t they be chasing each other, throwing a ball or attaching fireworks to small animals?

I started thinking about how shitty it would be to re-live my childhood in 2013. I’m glad that I grew up in that VHS inspired, color saturated fashion apocalypse that was the early 90s. To illustrate how awesome this special period of time was to me, I’ve decided to put together a multi-part series showcasing, through charts and graphs, the ridiculous things that made being a kid in the 90s simply awesome. And with that, I give you an analysis of that wondrous material crafted by the fun-gineers over at Nickelodeon, Gak.

THE END

P.S. My neighbors keep looking back at me.

P.P.S. Better put some pants on.

World War Z

Posted on August 10, 2013 by underwhelmer

I don’t normally write movie reviews, but this flick had such an impact on me I decided to share…

Last month, I had the misfortune of watching the summer blockbuster film, World War Z. I say “misfortune” because this movie was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back; I no longer have any faith left in Hollywood and, by extension, the movie-going public.

Before I go any further, I would like to say that I read the book by Max Brooks a few years ago and I had very high hopes for this movie. Hopes that were crushed mere minutes into the film.

The book was a sociopolitical commentary that was set against the backdrop of a theoretical zombie apocalypse. Max Brooks explored many touchy subjects such as human trafficking in Asia, political tensions in the Middle East and the cognitive and cultural divide between Western Europe and former Soviet-bloc countries. There’s even an ironic and brow-raising scenario where American refugees are attempting to flee the zombie hordes of the States by taking rafts into Cuba.

When I first cracked the pages on World War Z, I expected to be taken on a fun, zombie-riddled, fantasy ride by the son of famous funny man, Mel Brooks. What I got instead was a thought-provoking tale of humanity’s brush with extinction as told from the perspective of over a dozen flavorful characters.

The movie, on the other hand, was the loose story of Brad Pitt traveling the globe and outrunning explosions/ zombies. There were so many battles in exotic locales, I half expected Optimus Prime and Shia Labeouf to make an appearance.

With the bloated special effects budget and little to no plot, it felt like a Michael Bay film. I swear to God, that man could ruin anything.

As I grew more and more agitated in my theater chair, I realized that I needed a dramatic shift in my expectations lest my mood would sour for the rest of the evening. I decided to watch the film for what it was, a mindless, globe-trotting CGI romp that would challenge none of my thoughts or opinions on anything whatsoever.

Ultimately, this proved unfruitful because I was stone cold sober with no access to alcohol and therefore, unable to turn off my brain. Instead I made a compromise between actively hating the movie and passively enduring it and henceforth focused on the movie’s glaring mechanical inconsistencies. I will share those with you now.

*I would normally warn against spoilers at this point, but it’s hard to spoil a steaming piece of crap.

-Zombies, regardless of their physical attributes & dimensions whilst living, gain the power, speed and coordination of an NFL linebacker.

I’m not biologist or anything, but zombies are animated corpses. It would stand to reason that an animated corpse, although fearless and armed with near-limitless endurance, would not gain power through the process of dying. How can something that doesn’t eat, heal, rest or sleep get stronger? Everything it does expends energy and it does nothing to intake energy. They don’t even eat people, they just bite them and move on to the next victim.

-There are no fat zombies.

Let’s just pretend zombies that can run a 3.8 second 40 yard dash and then head-butt through ballistic glass somehow make sense. How come there are no fat zombies? I would imagine that the vast majority of fat people would have become the first wave of zombies due to their inability to outrun anything. Watch the movie and try to spot one fat zombie. There aren’t any.

-Zombie bones are made of titanium.

Somehow, zombies are able to bend the laws of physics via some Wile E. Coyote bullshit. More times than I could count, I watched a zombie suffer a bone-obliterating fall only to get up and sprint after the nearest human.

Looking back at the movie, I feel really bad for Max Brooks. It seems that the whole discussion as to how the movie was written went like this…

And then a few years later, a multimillion dollar abomination was released upon the public and we still lined up to see it. According to IMDb, this movie has already made a tidy $25 million dollars. I can just imagine the hidden cabal of masked Hollywood executives lounging about a chateau amidst piles of cash, getting oral sex in some creepy Eyes Wide Shut style orgy.

So if you like zombies and you want to be a part of the solution and not the problem, buy Max Brooks’ books and don’t watch the movie.

Final verdict: Book = 9/10

Movie = -712/10

P.S. I made a little facelift to the blog homepage. Hope you like it.

P.P.S. It’s good to be back. 🙂

I Noticed a Pattern in Game of Thrones

Posted on June 16, 2013 by underwhelmer

I just finished up Game of Thrones season 3 and I noticed a trend with the characters throughout the entire show. It seems that the older a character is, the greater the likelihood that they’re a raging prick to everyone else. Without further delay, I give you, “Age vs. Being a Murderous Asshole” enjoy…

***********************HUGE FUCKING SPOILERS AHEAD*************************

THE END.

P.S. I can’t wait to get attached to whole new set of characters in season 4 so they too can die horrifically.

P.P.S. Thanks to The Oatmeal for the inspiration on this one.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day Internet!

Posted on March 17, 2013 by underwhelmer

In 400ad there was a man by the name of St. Patrick that went to Ireland and explained that whole Christianity thing to everybody. He spent thirty years on his mission trip and was revered as a saint several centuries later. Supposedly, he even drove out all the snakes in Ireland.

No mean feat for someone who wasn’t a wizard.

My question though is what happened to all the snakes and where did they go?

Maybe there’s a correlation between the disappearance of snakes in Ireland and England’s Great Snake Plague of 435ad.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S DAY!!!

P.S. If you’re in Chicago, they dye the river green each year… just found that one out.

P.P.S I also just found out that it’s a non-alcoholic mixture. 😦

Look at What I Made For You.

Posted on March 10, 2013 by underwhelmer

Sorry for not posting in a while. The Doctor and I had to clean up some things in London.

When that was all said and done, he dropped me off back at my house… several months after my last post. Oh well, it’s that whole space-time thing. What can you do?

I’ve been perusing the Book of Faces (that’s what I choose to call it so you can shut your rich little face, Zuckerberg) and I’ve found some inspirational/ awesome quotes that I’ve decided to draw for you… enjoy.

“Go to Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company.” -Mark Twain

Meanwhile, downstairs…

“Once in a while blow your own damn mind.” -Anon

SPIRIT JOURNEY IN THE DESERT!!!

“Gold medals aren’t really made of gold. They’re made of sweat, determination and a hard to find alloy called guts.” -Anon

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.” -Dolly Parton

Dolly the Kingslayer.

“The poorest man is he whose only wealth is money.” -Anon

“In case of doubt, over dress.” -Anon

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.” -George Carlin

THE END.

P.S. Speaking of Star Wars, Disney recently bought the rights to Star Wars. They’re planning to do a movie entirely about Boba Fett.

P.P.S. I’m not a religious man, but if I did create my own religion Boba Fett would be one of my chosen prophets. If The Mouse screws this one up and shows The Fett in a light that is anything short of a supernova of undiluted awesome, I will declare a Holy Crusade against Disney.

Sorry, but Boba Fett in very near and dear to my heart. 😛

I’m not Dead.

Posted on December 2, 2012 by underwhelmer

Hi everybody. So I haven’t posted in a while. Sorry about that. I had some really important self-reflection and heavy drinking to do over the past few months.

I’ve also had a wicked case of writer’s block too; stupid brain not letting me write stuff.

I think we (you and I) need to reconnect and play life event catch-up. Here’s what you’ve missed in the past month or three.

-I turned 28 years old. I am now one step closer to the Reaper than I was last year.

-This blog that you’re reading right now had it’s one year anniversary.

-This blog also hit the 3,000+ follower mark.

-Wife and I have been taking ballroom dancing lessons. My background as a male exotic dancer is really paying off. I have good balance, nice footwork and absolutely no shame.

-We got a new cat. His name is Iggy. We are now one cat closer to being crazy cat people.

-There was a hurricane. It was not fun.

I think that about sums it up. I can’t think of anything else that’s been going on that’s of note.

I did want to share this with you though; I was contacted by some folks over at MBA online. These folks help people choose online MBA programs. They recently made an infographic charting Nintendo’s rocket climb to the top in the past 30 years. I thought it was pretty good and wanted to put it up for you guys; hope you enjoy it.

I was such a child of the 80s/ Nintendo kid; I love this art style.

THE END.

P.S. It’s good to be back.

P.P.S. Also, don’t worry, I haven’t sold out to some other website to make money… that’s what the store is for. Now go buy something; I don’t get to eat caviar for free. 🙂

What School of Magic do You Prefer?

Posted on August 19, 2012 by underwhelmer

In keeping with our theme of wizards here at Live Nerd Repeat, I’ve decided to come up with a handy little tool to figure out what school of magic suits you… you know, in case you develop magic powers. Hey, you never know. Anyway, here it is so read on young wizard.

*click to enlarge.

THE END.

P.S. I really need to stop playing Skyrim… It’s really starting to permeate all facets of my life.

P.P.S. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the store and restock on alchemy reagents; getting low on garlic and vampire dust.

Bumper Stickers

Posted on August 12, 2012 by underwhelmer

*Ok so this first part has nothing to do with bumper stickers.

I haven’t posted in a while, but it’s been for a good reason.

I’ve been in training for my new job and it’s been pretty intense. Despite having no medical background, I now am somehow advising physicians on cardiology products and procedures.

Scary right?

Anyway, I’ve been studying really hard to make sure I don’t have a hand in accidentally killing your Nana.

At this point, I’d like to note that my restoration magic skill isn’t very high.

Destruction magic is more my forte’. You can see how I don’t want this scenario playing out to its conclusion.

Back to our regularly scheduled program.

*Alright, this is the part where I talk about bumper stickers.

For those that don’t know, I’ve spent the past three years living in Germany. Now, I’m back in the US and I’m trying to get used to our crazy little culture all over again.

One thing that I’ve forgotten about Americans is that we’re under the impression that other people really want to know what we think… all the time.

I often find myself surrounded by the unsolicited opinions of others.

I think this tendency to share is best expressed in the bumper sticker concept.

Think about it. When someone attaches a bumper sticker to their car they’re saying, “Everyone who is blown by the winds of fate and winds up stuck behind my car NEEDS to see this. This makes me happy.”

Bumper stickers are seldom seen outside of the US, so I’ve decided to put together a handy sampling of bumper sticker translations for my fellow countrymen & women.

Here’s what your bumper stickers are really saying, enjoy.