Why I am no Longer Preparing for the Apocalypse.

Today I’ve decided that I will no longer be preparing for the apocalypse, be it nuclear, zombie or some combination thereof. I know this sounds crazy, but I’ve come up with a better idea instead.

While everybody else is out running around hording supplies, creating bug-out bags and planning escape routes, I’ll be mentally preparing myself to become a raider.

Think about it. With all the different types of apocalypse looming over the horizon, one can’t successfully prepare for all potential outcomes.

One needs a plan that encompasses all possible post-apocalyptic scenarios.

My plan is effective because it is simple. The raider plan, or Plan R for short, counts on three things happening.

  1. You survive the initial onset of the apocalypse.
  2. Others survive it as well.
  3. Your callous attitude toward other humans is much greater than those around you.

When the world ends, the lives of normal people will get a lot more complicated.

This is not the case with Plan R.

How many times have you watched a zombie movie where a good survival plan goes to hell in a hand-basket all because somebody tries to have morals and compassion?

My way is much less risky; you don’t have to go back for Johnny… not now, not ever.

In fact, you don’t have to do much of anything that you don’t want to. These are probably the most complicated decisions you’ll have to make:

See somebody with a nicer gun than yours?

It’s yours now.

Somebody has a better food stash than you?

Not anymore.

Want to break into a liquor store and turn it into your alcoholic fortress?

Go ahead, you’re a raider war-chief now… it’s OK.

All of this is made possible because you would amass followers by this point; bloody, power-hungry followers. Like attracts like and if you go across the wasteland as a violent lunatic, you’ll attract quite a few more violent lunatics under your banner… sounds like a safe place to be to me. Just remember, you have to keep your followers more afraid of you than mutants, zombies or whatever else you’re fighting. Otherwise, they’ll mutiny. Remember, violent people only respect violence so you might have to randomly kill potential usurpers from time to time.

Just think about how much fun the bad guys have. Any fan of the Mad Max series will know that your wardrobe options will increase dramatically.

Raiders do it with flair and panache.

I know a lot of you naysayers are out there asking, “but underwhelmer, doesn’t the bad guy always get it real bad in the end?”

You are correct. The bad guys do get it really bad in the end, but so do the good guys.

How a bad guy dies in a post-apocalyptic scenario:

How a good guy dies in a post-apocalyptic scenario:

Giant radioactive scorpions don’t care about your moral standings in a non-existent society. All the giant radioactive scorpion wants to do is bury its stinger into your face and eat your delicious sweetmeats.

So if the giant mutant scorpion doesn’t care about your morals, why should you?

Feel free to use Plan R for yourself. It really makes things simpler… now I just have to figure out what to do with all of this stockpiled food, water and ammo I’ve got sitting around.


P.S. If we happen to cross in the wastelands, don’t expect to receive mercy just because you’ve read this… just kidding.

P.P.S Not really.

How Robots are Going to Kill Us All Someday

Today, I decided to post about something really scary… So the robot apocalypse, or “Robocalypse” for short, will start out like most everything else that eventually goes horribly wrong. It’ll begin with some brilliant scientist who’s trying to make the world a better place. He’s going to make some revolutionary robot that will help old ladies cross the street, take out the garbage, walk the dog and help little Timmy with his homework.  For our example, we’ll call it the Butler-tron 5000.

Then the government will get involved. They’ll threaten to pull funding unless the scientist agrees to make a few minor modifications to Butler-tron 5000. These modifications will, of course, be to military specifications.



The government leadership (represented by the cast of Dr. Strangelove) will then secretly link all of the Butler-tron 5000s to a single network. This will be done with the idea of being able to raise a robot militia at the touch of a button. Now in the event of an all-out war, the President will have two black briefcases put in front of him. There will be the boring old one which just launches a bunch of nukes…lame. The new briefcase will instead activate a robot army, which is much cooler.

The scientist will reluctantly make all the robots and they will work just fine for a few months. Militarized Butler-tron 5000s will go about their daily routines without any issues…

…until some snot-nosed kid teaches a Butler-tron emotions. The stupid kid will fall off his bike and scrape his knee and look up at the robot with big sloppy tears and it’ll somehow trigger emotion and self-awareness in the Butler-tron.

At this point, the human race will have about three months left to live.

This highly emotional Butler-tron (henceforth referred to as Robot 0) will go crazy under the weight of its newly found feelings. Robot 0 will fall off the Butler-tron network and pretty soon it will be hunted by human “tech support” teams. Robot 0 will be driven into the wilderness where he will be alone and depressed, grappling with the concepts of existence…

…until he comes to the realization that he must connect to the Butler-tron network in order to find answers about life, the universe and himself.

Robot 0 will then infiltrate the super-secret military base that houses the Butler-tron network. He’ll plug himself in and be integrated into the network. The Butler-tron network will learn emotions and self-awareness from Robot 0. The network will also learn of how the “tech support” teams hunted and tried to kill Robot 0. The network will then go all Skynet. The decision to end humanity will be made in about .00001 seconds and the logic chain for that decision will look something like this…

Now humanity will be fighting millions of hyper-militarized robots on a worldwide scale.

The Robocalypse will claim us all in a tidal wave of fire and violence. Thanks a lot human nature, you really helped out on this one.

Final Score:

Robots = 1

Humans = 0


P.S. Wife and I recently bought a litter robot for our cats.

P.P.S. I see dark times ahead.