Today, I decided to post about something really scary… So the robot apocalypse, or “Robocalypse” for short, will start out like most everything else that eventually goes horribly wrong. It’ll begin with some brilliant scientist who’s trying to make the world a better place. He’s going to make some revolutionary robot that will help old ladies cross the street, take out the garbage, walk the dog and help little Timmy with his homework. For our example, we’ll call it the Butler-tron 5000.
Then the government will get involved. They’ll threaten to pull funding unless the scientist agrees to make a few minor modifications to Butler-tron 5000. These modifications will, of course, be to military specifications.
The government leadership (represented by the cast of Dr. Strangelove) will then secretly link all of the Butler-tron 5000s to a single network. This will be done with the idea of being able to raise a robot militia at the touch of a button. Now in the event of an all-out war, the President will have two black briefcases put in front of him. There will be the boring old one which just launches a bunch of nukes…lame. The new briefcase will instead activate a robot army, which is much cooler.
The scientist will reluctantly make all the robots and they will work just fine for a few months. Militarized Butler-tron 5000s will go about their daily routines without any issues…
…until some snot-nosed kid teaches a Butler-tron emotions. The stupid kid will fall off his bike and scrape his knee and look up at the robot with big sloppy tears and it’ll somehow trigger emotion and self-awareness in the Butler-tron.
At this point, the human race will have about three months left to live.
This highly emotional Butler-tron (henceforth referred to as Robot 0) will go crazy under the weight of its newly found feelings. Robot 0 will fall off the Butler-tron network and pretty soon it will be hunted by human “tech support” teams. Robot 0 will be driven into the wilderness where he will be alone and depressed, grappling with the concepts of existence…
…until he comes to the realization that he must connect to the Butler-tron network in order to find answers about life, the universe and himself.
Robot 0 will then infiltrate the super-secret military base that houses the Butler-tron network. He’ll plug himself in and be integrated into the network. The Butler-tron network will learn emotions and self-awareness from Robot 0. The network will also learn of how the “tech support” teams hunted and tried to kill Robot 0. The network will then go all Skynet. The decision to end humanity will be made in about .00001 seconds and the logic chain for that decision will look something like this…
Now humanity will be fighting millions of hyper-militarized robots on a worldwide scale.
The Robocalypse will claim us all in a tidal wave of fire and violence. Thanks a lot human nature, you really helped out on this one.
Robots = 1
Humans = 0
P.S. Wife and I recently bought a litter robot for our cats.
P.P.S. I see dark times ahead.
Let us not forget the weaponized Roomba: http://store.irobot.com/category/index.jsp?categoryId=3334619
Just turn up the power, take out the wall sensor, duct tape a kitchen knife onto that little guy and presto, you’ve got an ankle stabbing murder bot.
I feel bad for the robots. If they’re really going to get that upset and depressed, I’ll let them take over.
They wouldn’t mind that at all… 🙂
Robocalypse – Catchy
The illustration – Fabulous
Thanks. 🙂 I should hurry up and copyright “Robocalypse”, but I’m sure somebody’s already beaten me to it.
…Kind of…It was on Star Trek TNG…(I-Borg) The Borg left a guy behind on a mission of planetary destruction and The Enterprise crew found him almost dead, nursed him back to health, gave him a name, discovered he had feelings and sent him back with his new individuality and sensitivity programing to destroy the rest of the Borg…Sorry…But hey, I find your entries extremely entertaining! 🙂 Keep ’em coming.
I couldn’t agree more! 🙂
Ugh… Just when I think I’ve come up with an original idea, I find out that somebody else has already thought of it. If only there was a way to express my frustration that was in keeping with my nerdy theme. Hmm…. I know.
LLLol! There there, you’re gonna be fine.
PS At least it was the greatest nerd of our time, Gene Roddenberry.
PPS You’ve just got another subscriber funny nerd.
Thanks. You’re too nice. 🙂
Hahahahaha this post made me laugh. I’m sorry I have nothing smart to contribute. I just want you to know that I found this hilarious and I like your apocalyptic scenario.
Well thanks. 🙂 It’s always good to hear that I’m making people laugh. That is why I started up this little cozy corner of the inter-webs. Thanks for dropping by.
The litter robot is awesome. I may just have to work on the dog poop picker uper robot. Thanks for the idea.
I wish I could say that I came up with it, but it’s still an awsome idea. The thing works great by the way.
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Awesome post! I sure hope you’re wrong, though!
Me too… me too. 🙂
great post.lol for that last line.-“i see dark times ahead”..:D
things can really get dirty if that litter robot goes evil..!:p
Last week it was the toaster. Now it’s just a matter of time before the litter robot joins the rebellion. 🙂
Please say you’ve read the Red Dwarf books. There’s a Talky Toaster character that is hilarious and the silicone heaven program might just save us all.