Why I am no Longer Preparing for the Apocalypse.

Today I’ve decided that I will no longer be preparing for the apocalypse, be it nuclear, zombie or some combination thereof. I know this sounds crazy, but I’ve come up with a better idea instead.

While everybody else is out running around hording supplies, creating bug-out bags and planning escape routes, I’ll be mentally preparing myself to become a raider.

Think about it. With all the different types of apocalypse looming over the horizon, one can’t successfully prepare for all potential outcomes.

One needs a plan that encompasses all possible post-apocalyptic scenarios.

My plan is effective because it is simple. The raider plan, or Plan R for short, counts on three things happening.

  1. You survive the initial onset of the apocalypse.
  2. Others survive it as well.
  3. Your callous attitude toward other humans is much greater than those around you.

When the world ends, the lives of normal people will get a lot more complicated.

This is not the case with Plan R.

How many times have you watched a zombie movie where a good survival plan goes to hell in a hand-basket all because somebody tries to have morals and compassion?

My way is much less risky; you don’t have to go back for Johnny… not now, not ever.

In fact, you don’t have to do much of anything that you don’t want to. These are probably the most complicated decisions you’ll have to make:

See somebody with a nicer gun than yours?

It’s yours now.

Somebody has a better food stash than you?

Not anymore.

Want to break into a liquor store and turn it into your alcoholic fortress?

Go ahead, you’re a raider war-chief now… it’s OK.

All of this is made possible because you would amass followers by this point; bloody, power-hungry followers. Like attracts like and if you go across the wasteland as a violent lunatic, you’ll attract quite a few more violent lunatics under your banner… sounds like a safe place to be to me. Just remember, you have to keep your followers more afraid of you than mutants, zombies or whatever else you’re fighting. Otherwise, they’ll mutiny. Remember, violent people only respect violence so you might have to randomly kill potential usurpers from time to time.

Just think about how much fun the bad guys have. Any fan of the Mad Max series will know that your wardrobe options will increase dramatically.

Raiders do it with flair and panache.

I know a lot of you naysayers are out there asking, “but underwhelmer, doesn’t the bad guy always get it real bad in the end?”

You are correct. The bad guys do get it really bad in the end, but so do the good guys.

How a bad guy dies in a post-apocalyptic scenario:

How a good guy dies in a post-apocalyptic scenario:

Giant radioactive scorpions don’t care about your moral standings in a non-existent society. All the giant radioactive scorpion wants to do is bury its stinger into your face and eat your delicious sweetmeats.

So if the giant mutant scorpion doesn’t care about your morals, why should you?

Feel free to use Plan R for yourself. It really makes things simpler… now I just have to figure out what to do with all of this stockpiled food, water and ammo I’ve got sitting around.


P.S. If we happen to cross in the wastelands, don’t expect to receive mercy just because you’ve read this… just kidding.

P.P.S Not really.

57 thoughts on “Why I am no Longer Preparing for the Apocalypse.

  1. In real life, no one goes back for Johnny. If movie characters can stray from the script, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t either.

  2. Ha! The project manager in my is LOVING your process flows. I am so onboard with Plan R! I ALWAYS wonder what I would do if Johnny got left behind. But given my scorpion phobia, I suspect I’d be too distracted to care about Johnny.

  3. Dear Underwhelmer, I am undeniably and, I’m afraid, for good a woman. Can I still be a raider war-chief? I mean, won’t I lack a good portion of necessary testosterone? Thanks for your kind answer. Sandra

    • I don’t see why not. Just be sure to take down the biggest, meanest raider you see within the first fifteen minutes of arriving at their camp… you’re bound to be a war-chief then. πŸ™‚

  4. This is awesome, and reading it gave me a good larf on this gloomy Tuesday morning. And now, to work, to eavesdrop on people’s survival plans (always a likely topic of conversation) and plan how will be best to steal all their tinned spam!

  5. How does one train for this? Besides the obvious ditching of all morals. Target practice? Knocking over grandmas in the streets? Stealing food from orphanages?

  6. Your plan was great until you shared it. Now, everyone will follow the (frankly, genius) plan and you’ll have multiple raiders to contend with.

    I hope you have a secret backup plan, which involves being the king of all these asshole survival geniuses you’ve created.

  7. Magnificent and wacky as always. Like any creature, all a giant radioactive scorpion wants to do is eat and reproduce. Burying stinger in survivor’s face and eating his sweetmeats only stands to reason.

    Our architecture practice entered a competition recently to design a safe house for the zombie apocalypse: thought you might be interested. Via our blog: Panfilocastaldi.

  8. I have only one things to say . . . Peace through violence!

    Besides I think I’d look a lot better in Tina’s chainmail (love the earrings) from Thunderdome than Ringwald’s good girl threads in The Stand. Besides a PMSing woman is way more scary than a hungry zombie.

  9. Pingback: The Week That Was: P&Q’s Summer Vacation « Prawn And Quartered

  10. Well, the worst thing that can happen to you is running into someone with the same thoughts and goals because he (or she) will not hesitate to kill you to obtain everything you have taken from the others. Leaving aside this little inconvenient, your idea is wonderful, in fact I happen to agree with every single thing you’ve written: why the heck should we have compassion? This only will get us killed. I think we should run and manage to survive despite who dies or who survives, and we should not go back looking for someone who probably bit the dust the second everything started, because morals won’t do any good when you are facing death, right? Nice post by the way!

  11. I’m a raider all the way! If I see you, you have two choices: either join me and probably die one of the next couple of days because of my paranoia or die right then. I’d suggest joining me cause you might be the one lucky person I let survive :b

  12. I would like to formally request permission to join your raiding party. I have a moderately successful military background so I am able to fire all kinds of weapons with great success if you don’t sweat actually hitting things. I also already have a cool radio call-sign. You ready for this? “Red 4” How awesome is that? Also, my military background means I have had a lot of experience in dealing with zombies. Most of them I was required to salute at one point or another. It seems to me you were one of them. At any rate, please consider me for a position within your ranks.

    Very Respectfully,

    Michael Danger Sampsell

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