Six Reasons to be Afraid of Christmas

The Christmas holiday is a time of joyous celebration, wanton spending, and overall merriment, but most people don’t understand the strange underpinnings of this special time of year. I’ve recently done some research into the matter and have come to the conclusion that Christmas is a scary holiday.

 

Now it’s time to pass that feeling of unease onto you! Here are six little-known points that should make you feel as uncomfortable as I do during this holiday season… enjoy.

 

#1. The basic concept of Christmas is completely insane.

 

The core theme is the act of an immortal, magical fat man breaking into your house… and you’re completely OK with it. In fact, you want him near your children.

 

 

To prove my point, let’s swap out Santa with another magical fat man; former President, William Howard Taft.

 

 

#2. The elves in Santa’s workshop are a form of slave labor.

 

 

 

They’re a captive work-force with no means with which to unionize or voice their complaints. If that isn’t slave labor, I don’t know what is.  Oh, and being fed to the Santa-beast isn’t fun either.

 

#3. Christmas is a Frankenstein type creation of early Christianity.

 

It blends several old-world traditions in an effort to appease all of the religions that Christianity was absorbing at the time. Some of these pre-Christian traditions involved human and animal sacrifice to ensure a good harvest, protection from the gods, etc. Several of these “ornaments” were placed on, you guessed it, little pine trees.

 

Today’s Christmas tree.

 

 

The Christmas tree of yesteryear.

 

 

#4. Santa rolls with a posse.

 

Santa has several companions that typically accompany him, depending on what lore you read. They range from the kind, although slightly racist, Zwarte Piet to the enigmatic Belsnickel. I am sure that Santa has assembled this team of specialists to achieve his real goal; robbing banks and stealing priceless works of art.

 

 

#5. The Krampus.

 

For those of you that don’t know, the Krampus is a demon-creature that follows Santa around and punishes wicked children. These children are stuffed into the Krampus’ sack where he does God-knows-what with them. It is assumed that he takes them back to his lair to eat their sweet, sweet bone marrow.

 

 

They say you can judge a man by the company that he keeps. I’ll be avoiding any magical fat men this year if it means that I won’t possibly end up as beef jerky for some awful demon thing.

 

#6. There’s a good chance that Santa is, in fact, Odin.

 

That came from this…

 

 

That’s right, Santa is based largely off of the Norse god of war, battle, victory and death. As old Norse tradition goes, Odin would lead the great Yule hunting party atop his eight-legged horse, Sleipnir, and children would place their boots, filled with sugar and hay, near the chimney for Sleipnir to eat as he soared overhead. Odin, thankful to the children, would then put gifts or candy back in the empty boots. Do you see a parallel yet?

As a side note, Odin is Thor’s dad. That means that the god of thunder has to call this guy, “daddy.” I’ll spare you the details about how awesome Odin is, but let’s just say that if he carried a wallet there would be a “He-Man Badass Club” lifetime membership card in it; the wallet would also have, “Bad Mother F*cker” written on it.

THE END.

P.S. Have a merry Christmas!

 

P.P.S. Don’t piss off Santa-Odin or the Krampus will f-ing kill you.

 

 

 

 

69 thoughts on “Six Reasons to be Afraid of Christmas

  1. Would it also worryyoy to know they got the sate wrong too? Technically Christmas I’d supposed to be Christs birthday but he was born in the middle of march. So we celebrate a few months before he was actually born. Oh dear.
    P.S I love your blog.
    P.P.S I love your blog mor of you’d start to look at mine.
    P.P.P.S Merry Christmas!

    • Thank you snowden64. 🙂 I think the early church knew what it was doing when they picked a time of year to celebrate. It was a consensus, but it worked out in the end. I get to eat myself into a coma each year and get presents? Sign me up.

      • But technically Santa doesn’t break into our house. He comes through a chimmney which is a little more acceptable. However he does steal our pies and leaves a lott of unnecessary litter like soot and paper everywhere.
        P.S Apoligies for all the spelling mistakes in the last comment. My keyboard beast is a little untamable sometimes. Seasons greetings! (Why does no-one ever say that?)

  2. Santa is Odin? I’m so much more afraid now. Then again, maybe he’ll fight off Krampus for me.

    Also, that picture of Taft breaking in if my favorite ever. What a fantaftic comparison. You are awesome.

  3. Taken literally, so many of our so-called “harmless” beliefs, and religious customs are downright scary when we examine them. Even our fairytales fare no better. Just think of what you can do with Little red riding Hood!

  4. Great post. Made me clap loudly and laugh. 🙂
    (still have a big smile even though I spent time reading all the other responses)
    I like that Santa might be Odin. He’s a cool dude. Maybe Not so much the Great Hunt, but otherwise….
    And on the subject of the comment on the date of Christ’s birth, We have it pegged to April 6.
    but it’s cool to celebrate it now. This is the season when so many More people are in need, that it’s a good thing there’s a Holiday celebrating giving to help some of them out, and since when is it not a good thing for an extra excuse to make children happy?

    • I think you’ve really said something with gravity there. What really matters is how we treat others and the Christmas holiday is the perfect opportunity to take care of each other. 🙂

  5. I give it to the church, it was really smart of them to put Christmas around the winter solstice. This lack of sunlight makes me really depressed, but all the cute lights and decorations make it a bit more bearable.

    And it’s funny how Zwarte Piet is always being seen as racist. According to the story, he is supposed to be black because he climbs up and down all the chimneys, not because of the african ancestry. 🙂

    Great post, it really made me smile!

    • Thanks Alina. 🙂 I’m glad you liked it. I’ll be honest, Zwarte Piet really caught me off guard at first, but then I read his backstory and had an, “oh, I see” moment. It is funny how the Dutch government has to keep explaining this lesser known Christmas companion though.

  6. Ho Ho Ho, Merry Fishmas! Your research is thorough. I was not informed about the evil Santa Henchmen and demon. The connection between Reservoir Dogs and Christmas is now more clear. Thank you.

    It seems to me like people will always need some major Holidays and mirth to get through winter.

  7. To be fair and respectful to the other people celebrating Christmas, it’s about Jesus Christ and not Santa at all. Their celebrations are much more meaningful and less commercialized. The focus is more on being with the family, helping others in need, making children happy, and extending goodwill to others. Though I agree with snowden6 — the Dec. 25 date is all wrong.

    But everyone else is on the Christmas bandwagon anyway, so I can see how this season has been trivialized to nothing more than Santa and gifts. This is the part of Christmas that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I mean, I don’t celebrate Yom Kippur or Ramadan, but I understand that they are important events for the people who celebrate them.

    Anyway, major props to you for bringing up Odin. He’s a major BAMF.

  8. Christmas is not supposed to be based on Santa. It is actually a Christian celebration, but sadly has lost its meaning. A lot of people who aren’t Christian celebrate it for the presents and booze.

    From an 11 year old girl who perhaps shouldn’t be looking at this website……

      • Aaaand speaking of Christians, I think they often forget that Jesus didn’t seem to mind the booze and the presents, either. 😛

        From a should-be-old-enough woman who must not butt in conversations but she couldn’t help herself

      • Well, Christians would probably make an excuse for the alchohol and presents. Sometimes it makes me a little sad that people don’t really think of the true meaning of Christmas though. My family always makes us have religious advent calendars. (Although my mum buys a big box of terrys chocolate orange pieces and we get one every day.)

    • He’s an intersting companion that’s for sure. I’ll be honest, I had no idea there were so many variations of the “standard” Christmas theme that’s presented to us Americans. I’m glad you liked my little post. 🙂

  9. LMAO!! Again, your cartoons are hysterical!
    OH, this explains how some kids that I grew up with had expensive bikes, sleds, even stereo systems. Santa had his “team from the hood” helping him. Some poor kid in the Jewish section of Brooklyn is missing a couple of his Hanukkah presents.

  10. I often wonder where the flying reindeer thing came from…perhaps that is a link to Norse god goodness too? Or just a serious “trip” someone went on years gone by?

    • I’ve heard that the flying reindeer idea came from the mild hallucinogen found in reindeer urine. Apparently, the reindeer would eat a mushroom and traces of it would be found in their urine. I don’t know how accurate this is or why anbody would want to eat yellow snow, but that’s what I’ve read.

  11. Another awesome post. I had no idea that Santa had a posse with him it’s just amazing the things you either learn or find out when you are older or do some research. I recently saw Snow White and realized that it’s a pretty messed up movie but when we were younger it was fine and we could think nothing of it.

  12. Odin is Santa? And I always thought that Santa never existed. Guess I have to change that opinion now, because we all now that Odin is real. How can he not be? 😛
    On the whole, thi sis awesome. Something that too few people realize is that Christmas wasn’t a Christian holiday to begin with. They just abducted it and turned it on its head. Maybe we should make some Christmas carols about human sacrifice, as that is more in line with what it was originally all about.
    Oh, the places my sick mind goes….
    Have yourself a gore-filled Christmas!

    • Odin is too awesome to not be real. That’s enough to renew my faith in Santa right there.

      You’re right. Christmas, as we know it, has only been presented in its current state within the past 100 years. Anything before that would be alien to us.

      Glad you liked the post. 🙂 Merry Christmas!
      Try to keep away from the gore though. The cops frown upon that. 😉

      • They do? Oh, well then…. I won’t mention my favourite hobby 😛
        But I do think someone should make a Christmas song with lots of gore. Be good as a death metal song maybe 😉

    • I think if I knew that as a kid, my trips to Santa would have been a lot more awesome… 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by.

      P.S. I could go for a pinot right now too!

      P.P.S. On second thought, I’ll have a brunello instead. Cheers.

  13. All true and I completely agree with you! I’m all for ‘christmas spirit’ and goodwill to all and having a nice time with friends and family and all that, but a lot of the reasons and stuff people put so much emphasis on during this time are such gibberish and most often they don’t even know what it is, its just rote habit

  14. Pingback: that damn holiday! « THE DRUNK ARCHER

    • I’m glad you like it. 🙂

      I’m a really tiny blog. If you want a good example of a really successful humor blog, take a look at hyperbole and a half or the oatmeal. 🙂

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