Tom Collins vs Pretty Much Everything Else…

This picture will make sense later.

The other night, Wife was complaining of an upset stomach. Over the course of the day, she had eaten some food that didn’t agree with her or maybe just the physical act of being eaten. I imagine being eaten would be pretty traumatizing. If I were food, I wouldn’t enjoy being shoved into some random mouth-hole to be masticated. Sorry, I just really wanted to use that word, but I digress.

So Wife was feeling sick and I inquired about what she had eaten that day. Her diet had consisted of a bag of sour worms, some popcorn, jalapeno potato chips, stir-fry and, to top it all off, a Tom Collins.

I’m not a dietician, but I think the equation above made sense at the time.

Wife didn’t completely agree. Wife’s reasoning was that she normally ate healthy food and exercised a lot. One day of bad food shouldn’t have derailed her overall well-being, right?


I like to think of human digestive system as a waiting room. Food is only there for a period of time and then it’s called to continue its magical journey. The food you eat thereby becomes the people who occupy said waiting room. It’s important to put people in the waiting room that will get along each other. If they don’t, they’ll be asked to leave the way they came in. You get the idea.

Now let’s revisit what Wife ate that day.

Sour Worms are sour little gummy candies so they’re like little kids. They’re misbehaved, but mostly harmless. They were the first waiting room occupants.

Next, popcorn was introduced. I think of popcorn as fat movie-goers. They’re not sophisticated, but they’re decent people.

Popcorn is generally alright. They also helped keep the sour worms in line.

This balance was immediately disrupted by jalapeno potato chips. These chips are the food equivalent of Mexican banditos.

Chaos erupted in the waiting room.

I imagine this is when Wife first started to feel queasy.

The banditos eventually tired out and had a little siesta.

A degree of normalcy returned to the waiting room.

And then we had dinner. I made stir fry. The Mongolian horde was released into the waiting room and darkness reigned.

Death, sorrow and fire were brought to the people of the waiting room and they knew terror. The banditos fought valiantly, but they were swept away in a tsunami of violence.

The waiting room couldn’t handle much more, but wife had a drink with her stir-fry. A surly gentleman by the name of Tom Collins strode out of the Victorian age and into the waiting room. The Mongolians turned to meet this new threat. Mr. Collins removed his gloves and evening cape and he began wrecking shop, right and proper.

*I told you it would make sense later.

Wife was irrecoverably ill at this point.

In the end, there were no winners, only a burning waiting room, one sick wife and Mr. Collins atop a mountain of corpses.


P.S. Wife insists that she had other healthier stuff to eat that day.

P.P.S. I don’t believe her.

18 thoughts on “Tom Collins vs Pretty Much Everything Else…

  1. So good again! I’m glad I decided to go back and read all of these. Thank god for ridiculous sleep schedules that leave me with strange fancies.

    “she had eaten some food that didn’t agree with her or maybe just the physical act of being eaten.” That’s one of the best lines ever. Great twist on a normal saying.

    The equation makes total sense, and I love the concept of picture food in the stomach as people in a waiting room. Next time I’m feeling sick (probably from too much drinking), this thought will pop into my head and reduce my misery, if only slightly.

    Also, starting off in medias res with that picture we don’t understand is a brilliant way to peak interest right off the bat. I think I’m going to have to steal that.

    Here, ends the praise. I got a little carried away there.

    • Flattery will get you everywhere Mr. Nickel… everywhere.

      That was creepy, sorry. I can’t help it sometimes. I really wanted to try something new with that post.

      I was looking over at your blog the other day and you had an animated sign dance. I really might try something like that in the future. It was great.

      Wife always says that the voices I use are hilarious, so I should embed those somehow. We’ll see. πŸ™‚

  2. Pingback: 7 x 7 Award and Freshly Pressed on the Same Day? What’s a Nerd to Do? | Live, Nerd, Repeat

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  4. With time off and time on my hands…. I’ve gone back and read some of your past posts. You write very well, and I love your pictures. Every post is enjoyable — I wish I could do that. Thanks for your blog.

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